Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A great day today spending the winnings after ‘Obama kidnap plot’ comes up on your ‘UKIP resignation’ bingo card.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
All week you’ll keep switching your phone onto Depeche mode. You just can’t get enough.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You really enjoyed Wrestlemania last week but this week sees the start of Wrestledepressive.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On Monday you’ll make a breakthrough on that genetic disorder you’ve been researching and decide to call it ‘Maybelline’ to mess up those adverts.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No word from Channel 4 yet on your proposal for a show where Gordon Ramsay gets his forehead sorted out, called Iron Chef.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If life has taught you one thing, might I suggest you start paying a bit more attention?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
People assume as a Virgo you’re uptight about sex but you’ve done it loads of times in all sorts of places. Sometimes even with another person.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A desert night sky streaked with cold lines of fire, a rose blooming, decaying and being reborn a thousand times in an instant, the silent depths of an ocean bed unknown to man. Just some of the stuff you’ll dream after eating that out-of-date cheese this Thursday.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Things are going to pretty tense for the next few days until you admit defeat and ask your colleague how their recent holiday went.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s been a lively time for Sagittarians recently and the next seven days doesn’t look like letting up as HR get in touch about the 397 expenses claims you’ve made since Christmas.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Today you will voluntarily pay twice as much money to stream music to make sure Jay-Z can buy another diamond the size of a rugby ball.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This horoscope was made using locally-sourced letters, artisanal sentence structure and free-range punctuation.