Harry Kane burns out

HARRY Kane’s England career is over after he burnt out just 80 seconds into last night’s match. 

The striker lumbered onto the pitch more than four stone overweight, obviously intoxicated and chased by lawyers, pregnant lap-dancers and fixers from Far East betting syndicates. 

Manager Roy Hodgson said: “I blame his £84.5m transfer to Real Madrid, followed by transfers to Juventus, Bolton and his current club, Al Jazira in the UAE Arabian Gulf League, on bad advice from agents. 

“But his sex addiction, chain-smoking and reckless investment in a stable of drugged racehorses are his own responsibility.”

Kane scored an offside goal within 28 seconds, snapped both metatarsals while assaulting a cameraman and then started a mass brawl with opposition players, his own side, the referee, several spectators and analyst Lee Dixon.  

Red-carded, Kane was seen selling his England shirt for gambling money at pitchside before hawking his tell-all autobiography to a group of Sunday tabloids. 

Hodgson said: “It seems only yesterday that Kane shouldered England’s hopes for the first time, but unfortunately that burden caused him to become a broken shadow of a man in just 96 hours.

“Who’s next?”

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Everywhere to become luxury student accommodation

BRITAIN’s cities are to be levelled and replaced with fancy flats for privileged idiots with rich parents.

Developers have bought the British Isles and secured permission to build several million deluxe student blocks with names like ‘Crash Pad’, ‘Live It’ and ‘Urban Zone’.

Anyone not enrolled at a university will be forced into cattle trucks, transported to the northernmost point of the UK and left to fight for survival on a windy outcrop.

A government spokesman said: “Students keep the UK afloat by tossing their parent’s cash around, so we’re just going to banish everyone else as they’re a drain on the economy.

“The only buildings not to be student housing will be dipshit cafes where students can use their brand new MacBooks to tweet about how mashed they were last night.”

Student Emma Bradford said: “My best friend has got major FOMO because she’s getting deported to the Isle of Unst, whilst I get to tart around learning whatever it is that my course is about.

“Of course the main thing is that I get a purpose-built studio flat with en suite shower room and a ping-pong table in the lobby. It’s good that my dad had that affair so I can guilt trip him into forking out.”