Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Why not have a nice relaxing weekend after a busy week sending death threats to a light entertainment presenter about a job she doesn’t want anyway?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Expect a life-changing event this Friday, although in a life as tedious as yours that could simply mean changing the bottle on your Glade plug-in.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After meeting old friends on Saturday, you produce a specimen pot when they ask you to ‘send everyone our love’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Why not feel less pathetic when rubbing in hand cream by pretending you’re contemplating an evil scheme?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
As an existentialist from Grimsby you’ve always believed that Hull is other people.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Remember not to spend too long in the hot weather this weekend. Nobody wants to see your wobbly bits gleaming like a pork beacon.

 Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In order to avoid embarrassment reading the Tory manifesto on the tube you’ve taken to hiding it inside a copy of Arse Whores Vol IX.

 Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Super-hot scorching sexsational Scorpios can sexpect to come down with a red-hot peeing sensation this week.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Don’t let tensions build up between you and a difficult colleague this week. Just leave work early and slash their tyres on your way home.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Given that prominent politicians get an ‘-ism’ named after them, you’ve often felt it was fortunate that Jessie J got into music instead.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ll have a long day sunning yourself in the park on Tuesday. Work? Yes, well, just wait and see what that meeting is about on Monday first.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail. Which, thinking about it, is a form of preparation, isn’t it? Hang on, give me a minute.

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NASA to tackle more of David Bowie's questions

HAVING discovered life-giving water on Mars, NASA scientists are hoping to address further questions posed by David Bowie.

NASA chief Julian Cook said: “I faxed David our findings last night, he was satisfied that life on Mars is at least vaguely possible and we should now crack on with ‘Where were the spiders while the fly tried to break our balls?’ and ’Is it any wonder that I reject you first?’

“We’ve already sent a high-ranking military officer called Tom into orbit and asked if he can hear us. Plus I told David the other week that I do occasionally wonder about sound and vision.

“But there’s still a good 45 years of musical inquiries to tackle, so I’ve assigned each staff member a song and told them to get on with it.”

NASA engineer Joseph Turner said: “Mainly I’ve just been Googling ‘Where do spiders live?'”

Scientist Eleanor Shaw said: “I’m supposed to be doing Magic Dance off the Labyrinth soundtrack, but Bowie pretty much answers all the questions in that one as he goes along.

“Under ‘What babe?’ I’ve put ‘The babe with the power’, under ‘What power?’ I’ve put ‘The power of voodoo’, and under ‘Who do?/You do/Do what?’ I’ve put ‘Remind me of the babe’.”