Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Why not have a nice relaxing weekend after a busy week sending death threats to a light entertainment presenter about a job she doesn’t want anyway?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Expect a life-changing event this Friday, although in a life as tedious as yours that could simply mean changing the bottle on your Glade plug-in.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After meeting old friends on Saturday, you produce a specimen pot when they ask you to ‘send everyone our love’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Why not feel less pathetic when rubbing in hand cream by pretending you’re contemplating an evil scheme?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
As an existentialist from Grimsby you’ve always believed that Hull is other people.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Remember not to spend too long in the hot weather this weekend. Nobody wants to see your wobbly bits gleaming like a pork beacon.

 Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In order to avoid embarrassment reading the Tory manifesto on the tube you’ve taken to hiding it inside a copy of Arse Whores Vol IX.

 Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Super-hot scorching sexsational Scorpios can sexpect to come down with a red-hot peeing sensation this week.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Don’t let tensions build up between you and a difficult colleague this week. Just leave work early and slash their tyres on your way home.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Given that prominent politicians get an ‘-ism’ named after them, you’ve often felt it was fortunate that Jessie J got into music instead.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ll have a long day sunning yourself in the park on Tuesday. Work? Yes, well, just wait and see what that meeting is about on Monday first.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail. Which, thinking about it, is a form of preparation, isn’t it? Hang on, give me a minute.