Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Bad news as you discover you are doomed to wander the earth as UKIP leader until the heat death of the universe.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s nearly barbecue season so time to stock up on diarrhoea medicine and check that the fire extinguisher is working. 

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’ve always liked the older woman but it’s getting to the point where you need to employ a medium to get dates.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Having not shaved for a week you realise your beard actually looks quite distinguished. Now to find some earrings to go with it.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Finally somebody at work asks you how your weekend went, so you can tell them about that party you went to back in 1997.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Starting a pension fund so late in your life, your financial advisor works out you’ll need to turn over a post office once every three weeks until you’re 67.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The doctor gets back to you on Monday about your urine and blood samples and asks that you stop giving them pots of your urine and blood. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Life becomes like a romantic comedy this weekend as you meet somebody who drives you crazy and you have nothing in common with. That’s as far as it will go, mind.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
No word from Channel 4 about your documentary series 24 Hours With A & E about a drug-fuelled marathon of uncomfortable sexual practices.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Sad news from the vet tomorrow as it turns out the cat will make a full and expensive recovery and you’re stuck with the thing for another five years.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Make sure you book yourself in for ten minutes of ‘me’ time every day that isn’t a wank.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your horoscope will arrive some time between 9am and 6pm.

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England cricket team decides against picking only one who can hit the ball

ENGLAND’S cricket team is refusing to call upon Kevin Pietersen despite his ability to hit the ball.

Director of cricket Andrew Strauss said: “While all those flashy fours and sixes are great, where’s Kevin when we need someone to get gracefully bowled out for a duck, or to make polite smalltalk while Australia decide whether to make us follow on or not?

“You wouldn’t select someone for a tennis tournament just because they were good at playing tennis. Indeed that is not how any kind of professional sport works.”

England selectors have ignored pressure to select Pietersen by coughing loudly whenever anyone says the argumentative-but-good-at-cricket batsman’s name.

Meanwhile Ian Bell cemented his place in the England set-up with his collection of witty anecdotes, and Joe Root has become a fixture thanks to the moist Victoria sponges he brings along to matches.