Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Bad news as you discover you are doomed to wander the earth as UKIP leader until the heat death of the universe.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s nearly barbecue season so time to stock up on diarrhoea medicine and check that the fire extinguisher is working.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’ve always liked the older woman but it’s getting to the point where you need to employ a medium to get dates.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Having not shaved for a week you realise your beard actually looks quite distinguished. Now to find some earrings to go with it.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Finally somebody at work asks you how your weekend went, so you can tell them about that party you went to back in 1997.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Starting a pension fund so late in your life, your financial advisor works out you’ll need to turn over a post office once every three weeks until you’re 67.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The doctor gets back to you on Monday about your urine and blood samples and asks that you stop giving them pots of your urine and blood.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Life becomes like a romantic comedy this weekend as you meet somebody who drives you crazy and you have nothing in common with. That’s as far as it will go, mind.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
No word from Channel 4 about your documentary series 24 Hours With A & E about a drug-fuelled marathon of uncomfortable sexual practices.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Sad news from the vet tomorrow as it turns out the cat will make a full and expensive recovery and you’re stuck with the thing for another five years.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Make sure you book yourself in for ten minutes of ‘me’ time every day that isn’t a wank.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your horoscope will arrive some time between 9am and 6pm.