Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you learn two things – a ‘screen dump’ is a printout of a computer page and computer monitors are remarkably difficult to clean.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)  
Your meeting with Stella Creasy on Monday goes badly when you tell her that her name is a description of your face when you pass out pissed on your sofa.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you start a spoof Twitter account of an inanimate object and smile with delight as it quickly gets over 1,000 followers. Meanwhile, outside, the infinite cosmic whirl of eternity glides on as you scratch yourself.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The main thing about raising kids is providing a stable home life and a positive role model. Or maybe just wetting yourself less than they do.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You pride yourself on being something of a grammar Nazi, as well as a spelling fascist and a composition racist.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Tomorrow is a good time to seize the day. And a toothbrush, some clean underwear and as many Imodium as you can get your hands on. Don’t ask.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Time to nourish your spiritual side by trying to get in touch with whichever of your deceased relatives didn’t die cursing your name for eternity. There was that aunt?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Saturn turns up at your doorstep on Sunday, dressed like Jupiter and looking over your shoulder to see if you’re alone in the house.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Drop a phat funky beat, a sick bassline and the pretence you’re still young enough to use phrases like that.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After deciding to represent yourself in court this week, it goes so badly the charges are upped from shoplifting to genocide.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Trouble at work this week, when the search for a missing stapler uncovers your life-sized Gregg Wallace doll made of Post It notes.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
By reading this horoscope you agree to the terms & conditions of Psychic Bob and now owe me a kidney.

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That’s how teeth are supposed to look, says Britain

BRITAIN’S teeth are imperfect because they have not had lots of weird, expensive shit done to them, it has been confirmed.

Following fresh condemnation of the UK’s mouths from dentists and Americans, Britons have claimed their teeth looked flawed because that is cheaper and more natural than glueing on massive fake ones.

Teacher Susan Traherne said: “Are they still on about that, then, with the teeth?

“Has it not occurred to them that putting your teeth in a cage for six years or coating them in chemicals is a bit fucking odd?” 

She added: “I went out with this American once, I couldn’t look at him directly, or I’d have afterimages burnt on my retinas for weeks.

“And dentists can shut up, they’re all weird sadists like out of a David Lynch film.”

Stephen Malley, from Peterborough, said: “Like anyone normal, I go to the dentist when I can’t stand the pain any more. 

“My teeth aren’t white, but neither is my penis burnished with a lustrous shine of gold and I’m okay with that.”