Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Getting fake calendars printed up and filming a mock BBC news article will convince your boss there is such a thing as Come To Work Shitfaced Day.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Monday you will convince all your friends that Richard Dawkins’ favourite actor is Christian Slater.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A shaky start to your summer holiday this weekend when Kate Moss, Ian Brown and Peter Buck board the row in front of you.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Good news on Friday as it turns out your daughter has actually made all her money in human trafficking rather than as an HSBC executive like she said.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Plans to get back your six pack get off to a bad start on Saturday as you have an asthma attack filling out the gym registration forms.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I’m not sure staying in a hotel with no 3G signal does make you ‘Just like Bear Grylls’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
As a fussy eater you can’t understand how people could eat raw fish in sushi when they could be eating something normal like mechanically recovered chicken parts coated in breadcrumbs.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
On Monday you’ll sign the card of somebody leaving to have a baby with ‘I hope for both our sakes it doesn’t look like me’.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Tomorrow you will disagree with your football club’s decision to buy a player because you’ve never heard of them, like some kind of unforgivable chump.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After your ‘clothes shrinking’ washing machine goes in for its third service in as many weeks, you will admit defeat and acknowledge you are not as slim as you were.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Fuck the police. Sting last, obviously.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Contains zero per cent of your daily requirement of riboflavin.

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Parents’ evening fails to establish who is to blame for child

NOBODY is any the wiser as to why 11-year-old Wayne Hayes is a little shit after a parents’ evening at his school.

Teacher Nikki Hollis had been hoping to discover which of his parents had been most influential in creating a tiny despot. Meanwhile, the Hayes family was hoping to pin the blame on Hollis.

Hollis said: “I was expecting Wayne’s father to get me in a headlock or his mother to wave some hemlock and put a curse on me, but actually they both seemed like functioning human beings.

“They seemed as surprised as me that they had spawned this despicable wank bag.”

Wayne’s father, Gary, said: “We were kind of hoping Miss Hollis would be a complete bitch, but she just seems to be another of Wayne’s victims, just like us.

“We even bonded over our mutual contempt for Wayne and our shared desire to see as little of him as humanly possible.

“At least it’s only a few years before he heads off to university, or college, or prison or something.”

The parents’ evening ended early after Wayne set off the fire alarm by letting off fireworks purchased with money from stolen cigarettes.