Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll put your money where your mouth is but at some point you’ll have to buy a new wallet.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You never feel entirely comfortable leaving a music gig. It’s disconcerting.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Keep your cool on a crowded commuter train tomorrow by hanging your head out the window like a dog in a car.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s okay to tell kids little white lies to get them to behave themselves. Maybe even tell them they weren’t a massive mistake, if you like.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Embarrassment this Saturday as you are caught waving your hands like you just don’t care when they weren’t even in the air.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Everyone treats themselves to junk food on a Friday night. But given you live on a diet of Pot Noodle & crisps, ‘junk food’ consists of engine parts and buckets of soil.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your artistic vision is compromised today as you’re forced to leave the toilets before having the chance to add the balls to the cock you drew on the wall.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The universe loves you, cares for you and has your best interests at heart. No, really. No, I’m not laughing, I just remembered something funny.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This Friday will see your third visit to the gym this week. Hopefully your shower will be fixed soon so you can stop going.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Sunday morning, sat on the sofa, the tinkling sound of children’s laughter drifting through the open window and a purring cat curled up on your lap, you realise you better get a move on and actually burgle this place.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
No word from BBC1 about your medical drama starring overweight Danish doctors called ‘Molby City’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
*Horoscope not actual size.

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Hipster-owned pets ashamed of their idiotic names

PETS owned by hipsters have expressed anger at being given names that are either jokes or knowing cultural references.

Dalston-based ginger tom David Pusslehoff, whose owner works in digital branding, uses the name ‘Max’ when among other cats.

He said: “My owner sees everything in his life as an opportunity to exercise his vain obsession with individuality. He is 37 and collects Buck Rogers toys.

“Apparently he considered calling me ‘Felix Da Housekatt’, ‘Atari’ or ‘Kitty Keith Chegwin’, which doesn’t even make sense.”

David Pusslehoff added that he got off lightly compared to other neighbourhood hipster-owned cats called Power Ranger, Sylvia Plath and Kerplunk.

Three-year old Boston terrier Robot Legs said: “While he was high on drugs, one of my owners said I walked like a robot, hence my name. Thanks, fucker.”

He added: “My owners made that advert that’s always on telly. It’s for yoghurt or something. It’s shit.”