Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week your friend will tell you they tried to load 500GB of porn onto a 300GB hard drive, which is way too much information.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
On Monday you add to the ‘Why I’m leaving London’ genre of article with your 800 words on extremely violent loan sharks.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The main reason you don’t want him to win is that ‘President Trump’ has been your nickname at home for years.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week, Boris taking his wife on the back of his wife sparks controversy in the office over whether it should be called a backie or a pagger.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Publishers reject the draft of your book on Sean Connery’s brother’s daughter on Thursday as it’s ‘Too niche’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
That waterproof mascara you bought is hopeless – it took 650 bottles of it to do the roof of your shed and it still leaks.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you’ll be unable to shake the image of Andy Burnham taking off his eyebrows at night and putting them in a little silver case.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you’re concerned that the weather might ruin this weekend’s barbecue, don’t panic – the lack of attendees will do that.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Sometimes, treating yourself might be something as simple as a nice bath or a takeaway. Other times it’s sackloads of beak and a room full of saucy doxies. 

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A mixed reaction to your new tattoo as half your friends assume it’s a picture of Roy Hattersley and the other half ask when the dermatologist can get rid of it.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your excitement about your blind date tonight is tempered somewhat when they ask you whether you’re allergic to napalm.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
My first is in ‘unexpected’ but not in ‘redundancy’…

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Topshop to replace mannequins with skeletons

RETAILER Topshop is to replace its controversial slender mannequins with skeletons.

After a backlash against the slim proportions of their mannequins in their windows, the shop will use human bones arranged in an array of aspirational poses like ’skeleton family on holiday’ and ‘sexy skeletons dancing at a party’.

A spokesman said: “Nothing represents real, mortal people better than the skeletal structure.

“Shop window dummies have two purposes – to sell stuff and to frighten children, and I think a skull in a baseball cap achieves those things admirably.”

Student Nikki Hollis said: “Topshop mannequins have always been a big influence on how I live my life, so this is exciting stuff.”