Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week your friend will tell you they tried to load 500GB of porn onto a 300GB hard drive, which is way too much information.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
On Monday you add to the ‘Why I’m leaving London’ genre of article with your 800 words on extremely violent loan sharks.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The main reason you don’t want him to win is that ‘President Trump’ has been your nickname at home for years.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week, Boris taking his wife on the back of his wife sparks controversy in the office over whether it should be called a backie or a pagger.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Publishers reject the draft of your book on Sean Connery’s brother’s daughter on Thursday as it’s ‘Too niche’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
That waterproof mascara you bought is hopeless – it took 650 bottles of it to do the roof of your shed and it still leaks.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you’ll be unable to shake the image of Andy Burnham taking off his eyebrows at night and putting them in a little silver case.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you’re concerned that the weather might ruin this weekend’s barbecue, don’t panic – the lack of attendees will do that.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Sometimes, treating yourself might be something as simple as a nice bath or a takeaway. Other times it’s sackloads of beak and a room full of saucy doxies. 

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A mixed reaction to your new tattoo as half your friends assume it’s a picture of Roy Hattersley and the other half ask when the dermatologist can get rid of it.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your excitement about your blind date tonight is tempered somewhat when they ask you whether you’re allergic to napalm.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
My first is in ‘unexpected’ but not in ‘redundancy’…