Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve set a thief to catch a thief, but they’ve stolen the thief, and the thing they stole, and the book that told you to set a thief to catch a thief.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You never realised that Scooby Doo did a special where they track down Osama bin Laden in the Tora Bora caves, but in retrospect it makes perfect sense.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week, you complete your cost/benefit analysis showing definitively which of the So Solid Crew used their 21 seconds most effectively.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No news from Radio 2 on your show idea of minimalist modern classical music discussed by a wacky posse called ‘Steve Reich In The Afternoon’.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You will spend the weekend painting Disney characters in your kid’s bedroom. The only high point will be when somebody asks if you’ll have Aladdin and you say that no, you decided to do it yourself.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Make sure you get your tattoo spell-checked before making it permanent tonight. Hitler was always a bit wayward with his umlauts.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Whatever happens, blood is thicker than water. So some form of solvent and extra absorbent materials might be needed.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Love, lift us up where we belong. Then support our backs until we’ve finished because otherwise it’ll hurt like buggery.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Ever since they discovered Pluto had geological activity and stuff it’s been strutting into your sign like it’s all that.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Remember, there is no such thing as a stupid question, unless it’s a stupid thing, asked about a stupid subject asked by a stupid person, stupidly.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Nobody believes your claim that, when found asleep in a meeting room, you were knocked out by a sweet-smelling purple gas from the air vents.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Cancer just started trending. Probably not a good thing, on reflection.