Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve set a thief to catch a thief, but they’ve stolen the thief, and the thing they stole, and the book that told you to set a thief to catch a thief.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You never realised that Scooby Doo did a special where they track down Osama bin Laden in the Tora Bora caves, but in retrospect it makes perfect sense.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week, you complete your cost/benefit analysis showing definitively which of the So Solid Crew used their 21 seconds most effectively.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No news from Radio 2 on your show idea of minimalist modern classical music discussed by a wacky posse called ‘Steve Reich In The Afternoon’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You will spend the weekend painting Disney characters in your kid’s bedroom. The only high point will be when somebody asks if you’ll have Aladdin and you say that no, you decided to do it yourself.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Make sure you get your tattoo spell-checked before making it permanent tonight. Hitler was always a bit wayward with his umlauts.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Whatever happens, blood is thicker than water. So some form of solvent and extra absorbent materials might be needed. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Love, lift us up where we belong. Then support our backs until we’ve finished because otherwise it’ll hurt like buggery.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Ever since they discovered Pluto had geological activity and stuff it’s been strutting into your sign like it’s all that.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Remember, there is no such thing as a stupid question, unless it’s a stupid thing, asked about a stupid subject asked by a stupid person, stupidly.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Nobody believes your claim that, when found asleep in a meeting room, you were knocked out by a sweet-smelling purple gas from the air vents.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Cancer just started trending. Probably not a good thing, on reflection.

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Scientists baffled by job that isn't shit

SCIENTISTS are puzzled by a man whose job is both fairly paid and does not fill him with dread every morning.

43-year-old Tom Logan has confounded experts by having full-time employment that is not fundamentally a heap of shit.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We believed that the non-shit job was made obsolete in 1968, but Tom seems perfectly happy and even whistles while preparing his sandwiches.

“Meanwhile we are working to find out exactly what he does, but it involves leaving the house on his bike at 8.45am. Possibly it’s gardening, but maybe with a bit of science stuff thrown in to keep it interesting.”

All aspects of Logan’s unique life are being analysed, including him not being massively in debt or consumed by feelings of wasting his life.

Brubaker added: “His manager, Ken, is a normal, decent person who does not get a pathetic ego trip from constantly giving his underlings pointless tasks.

“The strangest thing is that Tom can afford a modest mortgage, when really he should be struggling to rent a box room in a house full of disappointed strangers.

“If we can work out why Tom leads such a charmed existence we may be able to replicate it in the wider world. I emphasise ‘may’ because it’s probably a weird anomaly, like a two-headed snail or one of those carrots that looks like a person.”