Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Work goes like a dream today. One of those dreams you have when you pass out fully dressed on a friend’s couch after two bottles of ouzo.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Logging on to vote for your preferences from 1 to 4, you turn your attention from ‘In what order would you murder the main blokes in Big Bang Theory?’ to the Labour leadership.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Tomorrow, why not make up quotes from people you’ve beaten up where they say what an opportunity it was to see how a modern A&E department is run?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This weekend, nursing your partner through the flu will be the perfect opportunity to get utterly shitfaced as they won’t be able to smell the booze on your breath and they’ll be even less coherent than you are.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The stars forecast a long journey, but a happy one. If you are on the cusp, the journey will be short and end in whatever your other star sign is doing.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Give a man a fish, he’ll ask why the fuck you’re handing him fish. Teach a man to fish he’s going to ask if you can just serve him his coffee and whether he can speak to your manager.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your latest DIY project gets off to a bad start when you realise you’re not equipped with the requisite being arsed to actually do it.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Mars enters your love life this week, which is apt because the only thing that’d get on you would be called Rover and even then it’d cost two billion dollars.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
They say that owners end up like their dog and sure enough, three years after your neighbour’s dog died, so has he.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You share your star sign with Bono, Chris Brown and Eric Pickles, so whatever happens to you this week you deserve it.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
To stop receiving texts from Domino’s Pizza, maybe stop ordering from them nine times a week.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week’s horoscope has been outsourced to China and can be found any of the fortune cookies in batch 331DS/11995/C.