Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP) After coming up with the program title ‘Robot Warsi’ today, surely Channel 5 can just come up with what it’s actually about?
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) When talking about a poker game you had over the weekend and using phrases like “Ladies came up double while I flopped the river with deuces”, remember that you’re actually from Carlisle, you tool.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV) On Monday you’ll convince a work colleague that the Winnebago is named after Nelson Mandela’s ex-wife.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) Why not indulge in some Schrodinger’s catcalling by asking a passing woman if she is simultaneously in and out of your car?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Your vow to lose a few pounds in September gets off to a great start today when you get such virulent intestinal flu you’ll keep nothing more solid than a glass of water down until October.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) There have been better starts to a marriage guidance session than you walking in to find him enthusiastically pumping your wife, in fairness.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) On Friday you are happy, you know it, so you clap your hands. It seems not everyone appreciates being applauded after sex, though.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) With the nights starting to draw in, you’ll be able to spend more and more time lurking in your neighbour’s hedge undetected.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Your first stint of cosmic ordering, where you chant the thing you want 30 times before sleep, goes badly when you stub your toe on the bed and hop round the room shouting “Shit, shit, shit”.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) Leo freaks you out this week by tucking his genitals between his legs and asking if you fancy him.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL) Romance is on the horizon on Sunday, literally in your case as your date runs past the curvature of the earth to avoid you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You’d make a great Bond. You violent, alcoholic sociopath, you.