Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
So no-one told you life was gonna be this way. Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s DOA. Good.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Sweet-smelling urine can sometimes be a sign of diabetes, but in this
case it’s because you pissed all over your five-year-old’s birthday
cake. Serves her right for having the party after lunch.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
There’s something different about you? Have you lost weight? Done
something with your hair? New outfit? No, hang on, someone’s hacked your
arms off.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, consider this justice a gift on my daughter’s wedding day. And by the way, it won’t be anything fancy. Maybe just a footrub or a nice cheese and ham toastie.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You may know that Jesus was crucified for all your sins, but did you also know that he got eight dozen dead legs and a Chinese burn?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Repainting in light, neutral tones and removing the clutter of heavy furniture will create the illusion of space and brightness. And remember to heave all the bodies into a wheelie bin.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
No-one leaves until he’s eaten all of it.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your child is reaching that age where they’re asking difficult questions about sex, like why they only get to keep 10% of the profits.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
When your bright orange son goes missing on a school trip, you cross the oceans facing incredible dangers including sharks and swarms of jellyfish to find him. Seems like a lot of bother considering Clownfish males are able to change sex in a process known as ‘sequential hermaphroditism’ and have about 800 children a year.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
I see a little silhouetto of a man. No, wait a minute, it’s a crocodile.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A random drugs test at work goes badly when you become convinced the sample bottle is a talking handbag and you punch the nurse in the throat.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you detect a star that is 300 times bigger than the Sun. So that’s my charts fucked into a tinker’s bucket

 

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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The other day, my girlfriend asked me if I would talk dirty to her during our lovemaking sessions as apparently she would find this a huge turn on. Being rather shy, I am extremely embarrassed at the prospect and would much prefer to remain silent, but she’s pretty insistent. So I was thinking of maybe starting off with something along the lines of ‘I’m going to rub dog dirt all over your fat tits’ and then maybe lead into ‘your farts smell worse than a decomposing corpse, you elderly whore of Satan’.  Does sound about right?
Rev John MacDonald
Battersea
 

Dear John,
My teacher says it is very naughty to use dirty words and that it takes intelligence to express yourself without swearing. Unfortunately, there is at least one member of my class who did not possess enough intelligence to resist writing ‘hairy vaj licker’ in two foot high letters on the blackboard when we were all out in the playground the other day. Thanks to this anonymous vandal, the entire class was forced to miss out on a trip to WaterWorld. Instead we had to spend the whole day ‘appreciating the beauty of the English language’ so we would think twice before abusing it again. Based on this experience, I’d highly recommend that you avoid dirty talking altogether, even if your girlfriend appears keen. Ultimately, it’s you that will regret it when you’re forced to spend a whole afternoon doing ‘the palindrome challenge’ when you’d much rather be frolicking on a hydroslide.
Hope that helps!
Holly