Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In confusion about the meaning of the phrase ‘Netflix and chill’, you end up slowly losing consciousness in a chest freezer with someone you hoped to have sex with. Still, House of Cards was good. 

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On Friday, you cross a river with a frog and sting him to death halfway across. It is admittedly your nature, but you don’t have to be such a dick. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
That asteroid that nearly hit Earth last week? That nobody knew about? That was in your star sign? Yeah, you’d better apologise. 

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a staunch Tory and backer of Jeremy Hunt’s seven-day NHS, you spend this weekend courting serious injury to prove how necessary it is. Such a fine line between ‘serious’ and ‘fatal’. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You ‘danced like nobody’s watching’, but they were watching and they filmed you and it’s gone viral. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Other people think it’s a disproportionate reaction, but you know that the only way to survive Piers Morgan’s appointment as Good Morning Britain host is to become nocturnal. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
This week, the stars discover you’ve been cheating on them with a pack of tarot cards and refuse to give you any forecast, suggesting instead you ask your ‘occult hussy’ what’s going on.   

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
A sign outside your pub on Friday reads ‘Performance Poetry’, two words that go together about as well as ‘origami’ and ‘chainsaw’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Yes sir, I can boogie, but I need a certain song by Cannibal Corpse.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Today, why not try to convince your work colleague that Brian Eno’s full name is Brian English National Opera?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you were a Mars Bar you’d eat yourself. Not because you’re conceited, because you’re a greedy bastard.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Just ten minutes of mindfulness meditation a day can help with mental health and reduce blood pressure, but if you do it again in the queue for the cashpoint you are going to get punched.