Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In confusion about the meaning of the phrase ‘Netflix and chill’, you end up slowly losing consciousness in a chest freezer with someone you hoped to have sex with. Still, House of Cards was good. 

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On Friday, you cross a river with a frog and sting him to death halfway across. It is admittedly your nature, but you don’t have to be such a dick. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
That asteroid that nearly hit Earth last week? That nobody knew about? That was in your star sign? Yeah, you’d better apologise. 

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a staunch Tory and backer of Jeremy Hunt’s seven-day NHS, you spend this weekend courting serious injury to prove how necessary it is. Such a fine line between ‘serious’ and ‘fatal’. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You ‘danced like nobody’s watching’, but they were watching and they filmed you and it’s gone viral. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Other people think it’s a disproportionate reaction, but you know that the only way to survive Piers Morgan’s appointment as Good Morning Britain host is to become nocturnal. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
This week, the stars discover you’ve been cheating on them with a pack of tarot cards and refuse to give you any forecast, suggesting instead you ask your ‘occult hussy’ what’s going on.   

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
A sign outside your pub on Friday reads ‘Performance Poetry’, two words that go together about as well as ‘origami’ and ‘chainsaw’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Yes sir, I can boogie, but I need a certain song by Cannibal Corpse.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Today, why not try to convince your work colleague that Brian Eno’s full name is Brian English National Opera?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you were a Mars Bar you’d eat yourself. Not because you’re conceited, because you’re a greedy bastard.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Just ten minutes of mindfulness meditation a day can help with mental health and reduce blood pressure, but if you do it again in the queue for the cashpoint you are going to get punched.

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Woolly mammoth crowned Sexiest Extinct Species

THE woolly mammoth has beaten off stiff competition to be crowned the hottest animal that no longer exists.

The Institute for Studies announced the winner of its annual Sexiest Extinct Species Award last night at a special luxury dinner attended by Idris Elba and Michaela Strachan.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The mammoth had sensual eyes and a luxuriant pelt that was equally suited to roaming the icy plains in search of vegetation or slobbing around watching romantic comedy DVDs while eating Haagen-Dazs.

“The mammoth exuded confidence and probably had a charming, easy-going manner. It is like Sienna Miller if she were a massive quadruped.”

Finalists for the prize included the pig-footed bandicoot, Torre’s cave rat and the Guam flying fox.