To-do list includes basic bodily functions

AN OFFICE worker’s seemingly impressive to-do list includes ‘have lunch’ and ‘yawn several times’, it has emerged.

Human resources manager Emma Bradford frequently reports being ‘buried’ at work and can often be seen emphatically crossing things off her to-do list.

However many items on the list are necessary routine activities like ‘take seat at desk’, and ‘point face towards computer’ while others are involuntary human reflexes.

Tom Logan said: “On first glance it looks like Emma does the work of an entire department – her to-do list is 14 pages long.

“But when I went over and had a half hour chat about her nephew I could see that the list contained ‘make tea’, subdivided into eight bullet points like ‘open fridge door’ and ‘remove milk from fridge’.

“Returning to my cubicle I could see her crossing out ‘have meandering chat with Tom’ from her list. It was right next to ‘metabolise lunch’.”

Some colleagues have alleged that in addition to the mundane daily chores, Emma also has recurring tasks such as ‘solve Syria problem’ and ‘find replacement for penicillin’ which tend to roll over week to week.

Emma Bradford said: “I don’t know how I fit everything in. Just writing my list for the day takes a good hour but of course I don’t put that on the list, that would be silly.”

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Former heroin addict sick of people asking him if it feels nice

A FORMER heroin addict has revealed that he is tired of people asking him what the drug feels like.

48-year-old Wayne Hayes has been clean for four years, but whenever he reveals his drug history people will eventually ask him what it felt like to take heroin.

He said: “It usually takes them two or three conversations with me but they inevitably ask. I say it felt awful, it took my home, my friends and my dignity.

“Then they say, ‘No, what did the actual heroin feel like?’

“I say it was like a nice warm bath. One that takes away your home, your friends and your dignity.

“Then they do a ‘sad face’ and run off to tell all their friends what heroin is like.”

Hayes’s work colleague Martin Bishop said: “Since watching Trainspotting on DVD I’ve always wondered what junk feels like, and getting Wayne to talk about it probably helps with his therapy or whatever.

“When I finally get him to spill the beans I always make a caring face and touch his shoulder, even though I’m quite excited.”