Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The motivational sign on the wall of your gym says “NOTHING is impossible” but this is proven wrong when you try to cancel your membership.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your search for the fifth element leads you to the substance that is often stuffed into pizza crusts.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Thanks to your OCD levels of food shopping, your fridge is less somewhere future meals are stored and more a retirement home where fruit and veg can live out the end of their natural lives.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A slapped face and a restraining order remind you that the title of Lorraine Pascal’s show Lorraine’s Fast, Fresh & Easy has the word Food on the end.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week, why not add extra gravitas to your argument by using terms like ‘sheeple’, ‘Tony Bliar’ and ‘Illuminati’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After wondering where your friend has been for the last eighteen months, you break into his flat and see that he looked up ‘Google’ on Wikipedia and was caught in a self-perpetuating vortex.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You are kicked off your English course this week during the Oscar Wilde module for suggesting that Lord Alfred ‘Bosie’ Douglas was a fuckwit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
An awkward silence at the séance as the medium gets through to your grandmother, who wants your granddad to know she doesn’t blame him for not checking whether the vibrating love egg was properly earthed.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No news from Hollywood about the film script you wrote about a guy who doesn’t realise he’s actually a crack chocolatier, The Bourneville Legacy.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After shouting out “Meal!” all night at a Paul Simon gig, you’re quietly told what the title of his 80s hit actually was.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A shift into the third quadrant of your sun house in the second phase of the equinox will mean the planetary influence of Mercu…look, the race is at 2.30, it’s a ten minute walk to the bookies, can we wrap this up?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)


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Low standards key to a good sex life

EXTREMELY low standards in your choice of partner are the key to a good sex life, it has been claimed.

The Institute for Studies found that men who sought out exciting sex with attractive partners had much less intercourse than those whose goal was merely to empty their seminal glands into anyone.

Similarly, women who expected romantic evenings followed by considerate lovemaking had considerably less sex than those who opted for copulation in a nightclub toilet to the sounds of DJ Otzi and the person in the next cubicle having a shit.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Our research showed that a desire for enjoyable sex led to less sex, or even no sex at all. This is what scientists refer to as the Munter’s Paradox.

“Conversely, showing no discernment whatsoever can lead to an extremely active sex life with a large variety of partners, if you can keep your dinner down.”

Professor Brubaker said that to enjoy the fullest possible sex life, men and women also needed to overcome their aversion to repellent personalities.

He said: “To maximize sexual opportunities we must be willing to overlook behavior such as fart-smelling, the use of the term ‘Paki shop’ and being Edwina Currie.

“However, in extreme cases a potential sexual partner can cross what we call the ‘Kyle Threshold’, whereby gross obesity, intense stupidity and a seemingly random placement of teeth makes any form of sexual attraction impossible.”

Anthropologist Tom Logan said: “Mankind is torn between the primal urge to reproduce and societally established norms of attractiveness, which is probably why I did that girl at Ritzy’s who looked like Ricky Gervais with tits.”