Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As Capricorn was David Bowie’s star sign, as a mark of respect you’ve decided to stop bringing it down with your presence and to be Virgo for the week instead.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Expect the kind of week that leaves you feeling like you’ve been beaten around the head with a log. Especially on Friday, when that happens.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Celebrity Pisceans include the green Hungry Hippo, the yersinia pestis bacteria that causes bubonic plague, and the chemical element selenium. And you’re all going to get great news on the romance front this week.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
This weekend you finally finish eating all your Christmas chocolate. Now all you have to do is get ten feet of small intestine removed and you’re ready to face the year.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
On Thursday your excitement about Making A Murderer ends when you realise it isn’t a fortnightly partwork magazine where the first issue costs just 99p.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On Saturday, you set fire to a fifty pound note to see why those footballers enjoy it so much. And it’s brilliant! This is what you’re doing with all your money from now on.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You source only the best, corn-fed, organic, free range chickens from your local butcher, who probably wouldn’t sell them to you if they knew what you did with them.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Unable to afford snowboarding this winter, on Saturday you detach your own kneecap with a rock while stood on an ironing board surrounded by half a dozen braying gobshites.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
After being called in by police for questioning on Friday for the sixth time in as many weeks, you finally tell them to run their own pub quiz.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The January diet is going really well this week, as every time you open the fridge you force yourself to imagine Rupert Murdoch and Jerry Hall having sex.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your life continues to be like a soap opera in that only half an hour of it twice a week is even vaguely interesting.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Hi, I’m afraid Taurus is on annual leave until January 25th. In emergencies please contact Sagittarius.