Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You can’t go into too much detail about your debut novel at the moment, as you haven’t thought up an idea for it yet.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Fears that you’re drinking too much during the week continue this morning when you go for a piss and manage to draw a shamrock on the froth.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
At school you used to say “Our Father, who fart in heaven” during the Lord’s Prayer, so you kind of feel Richard Dawkins has stolen your schtick.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
Threatening to write your kids out of your will is less of a threat when all they’re set to inherit from you is an A Team box set and a genetic tendency for obesity.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
People are starting to get sick of you posting pictures of your dinner on Facebook, as there are only so many angles you can photograph a Beef & Tomato Pot Noodle from.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The good thing about the week after Burns night is your recycling bin full of whisky bottles doesn’t look quite so bad.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After the furore caused by Jeremy Clarkson’s comments about transsexuals, you wait for the motoring community to rise up in anger at Laverne Cox’s dreadfully ignorant review of the Citroen DS5.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
On Thursday, you regret wearing your ‘God is Dead’ t-shirt to lunch with the Archbishop of Canterbury. You should have known he’d wear his.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Sadly, your groundbreaking theory that Tyrannosaurs evolved into meerkats because they both do that thing with their hands is dismissed by the scientific establishment.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your ideal love match is a Virgo, your ideal one-night stand is Aries, and your ideal brothel madam is an Aquarius. Settle for nothing less.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Sure, Superman’s more effective at fighting crime, but Batman really cleans up financially because he’s got more bat-branded merchandise.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This weekend, you’re forced to admit that you don’t know much about art. You don’t even know what you like.