Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You can’t go into too much detail about your debut novel at the moment, as you haven’t thought up an idea for it yet.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Fears that you’re drinking too much during the week continue this morning when you go for a piss and manage to draw a shamrock on the froth.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
At school you used to say “Our Father, who fart in heaven” during the Lord’s Prayer, so you kind of feel Richard Dawkins has stolen your schtick.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Threatening to write your kids out of your will is less of a threat when all they’re set to inherit from you is an A Team box set and a genetic tendency for obesity.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
People are starting to get sick of you posting pictures of your dinner on Facebook, as there are only so many angles you can photograph a Beef & Tomato Pot Noodle from.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The good thing about the week after Burns night is your recycling bin full of whisky bottles doesn’t look quite so bad.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After the furore caused by Jeremy Clarkson’s comments about transsexuals, you wait for the motoring community to rise up in anger at Laverne Cox’s dreadfully ignorant review of the Citroen DS5.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
On Thursday, you regret wearing your ‘God is Dead’ t-shirt to lunch with the Archbishop of Canterbury. You should have known he’d wear his.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Sadly, your groundbreaking theory that Tyrannosaurs evolved into meerkats because they both do that thing with their hands is dismissed by the scientific establishment.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your ideal love match is a Virgo, your ideal one-night stand is Aries, and your ideal brothel madam is an Aquarius. Settle for nothing less.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Sure, Superman’s more effective at fighting crime, but Batman really cleans up financially because he’s got more bat-branded merchandise.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This weekend, you’re forced to admit that you don’t know much about art. You don’t even know what you like.

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Parents give custody of kids to iPad

AN IPAD has become the legal guardian of two children after their parents could no longer be arsed.

Plymouth-based plumber Stephen Malley and his wife Nicola passed custody of Ben, 8, and Peter, 10, to the tablet device after deciding it would be better for all concerned.

Malley said: “All they wanted to do is play with ‘Uncle Brian’, as we call the iPad. As humans we simply can’t give them the constant overstimulation of a wifi-equipped electronic device.

“And to be honest, when we did go on family outings without Uncle Brian, they were pretty annoying. I mean, they talk a lot and generally get in your face.”

The children will live in a nearby flat with the iPad, but will keep in touch with their parents via Facebook.

Nicola Malley said: “It’s sad obviously but we’re sure the iPad will do an amazing job. Everything they will ever need is on the internet, from food delivery services to sex education.

“I was raised by the TV, like my father before me. My grandfather was raised by the wireless and his father was probably raised by a bi-weekly telegram from his parents.”

8-year-old Ben Malley said: “The iPad is my real dad.”