Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week, you find an enchanted sword which gives you +3 to attack and +5 to defence against magic. So that’ll be useful. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
On Thursday, you buy two live lobsters for your Valentine’s Day dinner. It’s not for a week or so, but you thought you’d take them on a few little outings first. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
You will come into money tomorrow as the trousers you buy in Oxfam have a 20p piece in the pocket.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Wow, you never realised they did Blake’s 7 Lego sets. Makes the original look cheap and shoddy in comparison, of course, but what doesn’t? 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You only ordered a skip to spitefully stop your neighbour parking there, but people put perfectly good stuff in it by night which you nick by day. This is the best idea you’ve ever had. 

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
How about your thing for February is that you stop fucking killing our favourite celebrities, yeah? 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Not a great week after you’re banned from Tinder because your photo is making everyone think their phone is haunted.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
On Friday you meet a vegan from Yorkshire who has a seizure deciding which of those two to tell you first.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your hatred for your job pays health dividends on Monday as you do 100 sit-ups trying and failing to get out of bed.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The Northern Lights drift into your sign this weekend, making everything in your life like a Pink Floyd light show.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Celebrity dictator Sagittarians include General Franco, Josef Stalin, and General Pinochet. So award yourself some big shiny medals this week.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This weekend you’re embarrassed when you have to borrow a pitchfork and flaming torch from a neighbour in order to join an angry mob. Next time you’ll be better prepared.

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Boy wants to be police senior management when he grows up

A FIVE-YEAR-OLD has explained how he wants to be a policeman who sits in a large office coming up with initiatives like ‘crime reduction partnerships’.

Tom Logan’s police fantasies never involve catching criminals, instead focusing on jargon-filled presentations entitled ‘Managing Stakeholder Crime Expectations’.

Parent Emma Logan said: “Tom hates playing outside or doing any sort of physical exercise, so I suppose it’s only natural that he wants a career in police management. Yesterday he made all his teddies and Action Men sit in rows and used my iPad to give a PowerPoint talk on diversity.

“When I asked if he was going to catch any baddies he said ‘no’ because he had to attend a two-day ‘continuing professional development’ conference about cybercrime at a luxury hotel.

“I know kids want to be a police senior manager one day and an astronaut the next, but I think Tom’s serious because he won’t touch his toy police car but loves pretending to do his expenses claims.”

Tom said: “Policemen have to arrest nasty scary people who do bad things. That sounds horrid so I’d prefer to get on a fast-track graduate promotion scheme and sit in an office thinking up ideas for crap initiatives called things like ‘CrimeLink’.”