Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)

Like Beyonce, you dropped a whole album overnight without any warning. Unlike Beyonce,  your definition of ‘dropping an album’ is ‘a long, sonorous fart in one’s sleep.’

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)

On Saturday you get one of those Amazon things you talk to, where you tell you what you want and it gets it. What’s it called..? Oh yeah, an anaconda.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Most people find an olive oil massage and facial scrub quite relaxing, but it doesn’t work for you as you usually have to give one to somebody with an erection.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

This weekend you buy an adult colouring book, colour it in and then take it back to the shop, where they give you a lolly.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Now is the time to admit what happened in 2013 before it eats away at your conscience. Just let everyone get some popcorn first.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Celebrity Virgos include Ned Stark, Viserys Targaryen, Robert Baratheon and have you noticed a pattern here? You’re not really in this one long-term.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

With your genitals in bulldog clips this Monday, at least you have a new answer to the question “What would you do for a million pounds?”

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

They say when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life, but for some reason nobody’s set out exactly what it means when you’re tired of Loughborough.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

As a priest in Kelvin Mackenzie’s parish, you’ve cleared your schedule for the rest of the week and opened the back pages of the book of penance.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

A typical day for Capricorn as you headbutt three shop assistants in Timpsons for not having the right hoof size for you.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Your marriage is like a wonderful fairytale, in that at the end you kill an ogre with an axe and get lots of gold.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

They said he was a dreamer. They called him creative, empathic and intuitive. But they forgot one thing: his anger. Coming soon, Pisces 2: The Reckoning.