Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’re sick and tired of being patronised by your colleagues at work and once you work out how to log in to your computer you’ll email them to say so.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re always looking for people to massage your ego, which is massive progress given that it used to be your crotch.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Frustration as you load up your Kindle with holiday reading and discover ‘Domino’s Pizza Menus’ is not an option.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Youve always enjoyed pinball, because you get millions and millions of points for just standing there reflexively pressing buttons. Which is why you went into investment banking.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As a Scorpio you’ve always had a penchant for lurking around in people’s shoes, waiting to hurt them.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A tall, dark, handsome stranger comes into your life on Friday, walks right past you and carries on walking.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your zodiac sign is only visible south of the equator so youve never seen it, but youre confident next months trip to the Intu Centre, Watford will sort that out.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Bad news for you tomorrow, when you vote Remain and leave the polling booth to find yourself in a dystopian nightmare Britain where EU commissioners have made the national language Flemish, introduced Sharia law and fish n chips have been outlawed.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A boost for your career on Sunday when you pitch Disney a film about two talking toasters on a quest to rescue their friend, an orphaned potato waffle, and they buy it because kids will watch any shit.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Expect a difficult weekend after your theory that bear traps can only trap bears is conclusively disproven, in the woods, 32 miles from the nearest road.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
Medical disaster for you on Monday after a transplant mix-up means youre given the hands of a convicted strangler, when youve always been more of a garroter.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Based on what your neighbour has in their window, in the referendum they will be voting for some dead bees and a coke can.