Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As Jupiter moves into a position between Mercury and Venus, make sure everyone has given their written permission before you switch on the camcorder.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will discover that women are, in many ways, like the English weather. A bunch of fucking skanks.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
How many people had I already killed? There were those six that I knew about for sure. Close enough to blow their last breath in my face. But this time, it was an American and an officer. So I suppose I better wear something nice.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I’m getting hints of nutmeg, coconut, coriander and cloves. What did you have to eat yesterday?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As the Oxford English Dictionary goes out of print, you must now find someone else to give their official approval to ‘spunkalicious’.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
No wonder no-one likes you, you filthy little bastard. Now get the hell out of my bath before I phone the police.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you take a job driving a New York taxi in the hope it will stave off the loneliness and desolation that has gripped you since returning from Vietnam. But instead of getting your life back on track it leaves you feeling even more lost and desperate as your mind fills with violent fantasies about the ‘scum’ you transport from one morally bankrupt appointment to another. Did you not think about getting a job in McDonalds? If you’re really good they let you dress up as a clown.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Returning from your two week holiday, you greet your colleagues with cheerful enthusiasm before arriving at your desk and opening up the spreadsheet listing the method by which each of them must die.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This thing called love, I just can’t handle it. And I don’t care about your stupid safety word, it’s just horrid.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you release a book which sets out, in very specific detail, why you’re better than everyone else. And who, in their right mind, would not want to read that?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Why not set up a simple, useful web-based email service that costs nothing to use and then just keep dicking about it with it for no reason until everyone wants you dead?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week do everything in a murderous, blood-soaked frenzy. You’ll understand why come Friday tea-time.


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I am a unmarried lady in the twilight of my life, and haven’t had the urge to become biblically acquainted with a person of the opposite sex for nigh on 30 years. Instead, I spend my evenings sipping a Cup-a-Soup in the comfort of my housecoat and slippers and stroking my beloved pussy. However, I have recently become friends with a charming elderly gentleman who is, like me, fond of a nice cup of tea, so I am starting think that perhaps I should invite him over for some intercourse. The only problem is that after so many years of abstinence I’m worried that my lady area will have dried up. Should I use some lard or is there an ointment from the chemist?

Dear Betty,
Sometimes I worry that my granny is lonely because she doesn’t have a boyfriend either. I think she used to have a husband, but he snuffed it a very long time ago and ever since she’s been happy to spend most of her time complaining about Tesco. If she’s not doing that, she’s weeing on a chair or accidentally feeding laxatives to to the dog. All in all, it doesn’t leave much room for romance. I don’t blame her really: there’s only one man at her church group and he has no teeth and smells strongly of jobbies. My advice is to forget about this man and stick to watching telly and playing with your front bottom.
Hope that helps!