Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A romantic weekend away is the perfect opportunity to pop the question your soul has demanded the answer to but your heart has dared not ask. Just don’t use the word ‘dirtbox’.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you are hauled half dead from the sea with a bullet in your back and no memory of who you are or what you do. However, the fact that you also have tiny laser projector embedded in your hip would suggest you probably don’t work in the human resources department at Direct Line.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The barmaid in your local knows just how to mix your favourite cocktail – one triple vodka and Diet Sprite, one bag of dry roasted peanuts and one large measure of leave me the fuck alone.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your mission is to proceed up the Nung River in a Navy patrol boat. Pick up Colonel Kurtz’s path at Nu Mung Ba, follow it and learn what you can along the way. And can you also get us a packet of Hobnobs?
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you discover that your popularity on BBC1 may have been based on the fact that your audience was getting home from work rather than going to it and therefore would quite happily have slouched in their seats watching a half-naked fat man wiping his armpits.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
People are so quick to throw around phrases like ‘drinking problem’, ‘public indecency’ and ‘soiling yourself in the camera section of Dixons’, aren’t they?
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Buddy you’re a boy make a big noise, playin’ in the street gonna be a big man some day. You got mud on your face, a big disgrace, they should never have made you secretary of state for education.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week underline you political and economic credentials by announcing that a family on Â£44,000 will lose their child benefit while a family on Â£87,000 won’t. Thank God you’re here.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your three followers on Twitter are Robert Mugabe, Limahl and somebody pretending to be Virginia Woolf. You need a weekend away.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Expect a call from the police after your Mastermind application includes, as a specialist subject, ‘The contents of my neighbour’s teenage daughter’s underwear drawer’.
Leo (23 JUL – 22 AUG)
If music be the food of love, then Robbie Williams is a couple having a screaming row outside a Hawaiian-themed cocktail bar in Magaluf at 4am.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you impress your chief executive by clapping out the theme tune to ‘Bonanza’ using your manboobs.