Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In eight years, Hitler managed to gain and lose an empire that
stretched the breadth of Europe, while in the same amount of time you’ve
just about managed to paint your bathroom. Even taking into account all
the bad Nazi stuff he’s still better than you.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Just in case you’re wondering, since you gave up smoking, cigarettes still make you feel like you’re stood over the barbecue of Zeus.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you feel justifiably pleased with yourself after helping to organise an immensely complex mass escape from a prisoner of war camp, involving tunnels, pommel horses and men depositing dirt through the bottom of their trousers. One thing though, when some big, fat Gestapo officer says ‘good luck’ to you, ignore the fucker.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’re given a £10,000 bonus and the rest of the week off from your job as a scriptwriter after you suggest the child character in your soap should speak like an adult for comic effect.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you are asked to leave the X Factor after dressing up like a black and white minstrel. Cheryl Cole is such a racist.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Mrs Robinson, are you trying to seduce me? Because that would be top fucking notch.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week prepare for your first prime minister’s question time as leader of the opposition by changing absolutely everything about yourself.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Donald Pleasance. He’s dead. No he’s not. He’s dead. No he’s not. He’s dead. No he’s not. He’s dead. No he’s not. Donald Pleasance. There, that’s saved you 90 minutes next Halloween.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If a picture paints a thousand words then why can’t I paint you? Alright, can I cover you in bees instead? What about Nutella? Or Fairy Liquid? Maybe some cat poo?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you discover that you’re one of those people who think Britain should jolly well have a Tea Party movement of its own. You should set up a website and fill it with your thoughts. Oh go on.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week don’t be afraid to experiment with something new and
different, such as shutting up about your fucking job for five fucking

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my
bicycle, I want to ride it where I like. Which obviously makes me a better person
than you.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Until recently, my husband and I had a peaceful and happy existence in a quiet corner of upmarket suburbia, but ever since our new neighbours moved in we’ve had nothing but bother. We merely raised our eyebrows when we discovered they were cohabiting out of wedlock and that she was ‘with child’. But what sane individual would not start to have doubts upon noticing that they fail to use net curtains to hide the vulgar interior of their house, insist on cheapening the terrace with a satellite dish, and regularly shop in places like Asda when there is a perfectly good Marks and Spencer down the road. The final straw came when they threw a tacky birthday party for one of their brats, inviting a range of  obese, uncivilised and riotous children to create havoc in their back garden until at least 7pm on a Sunday evening. Midsomer Murders was ruined. How do I go about imprisoning these bastards  before my husband has a coronary?

Dear Miranda,
You sound suspiciously like many of the teachers at my school. For some bizarre reason, none of them seem to like people having a bit of fun now and again either. I think maybe when you train as a teacher, they do an operation to remove your sense of humour so that you’re better at doing arithmetic or something. What normal individual would not be amused by a small boy making farting noises with his armpit during silent reading, or not hazard a giggle when confronted by the sight of a bare bottom peaking out from the back of the school bus? Only teachers appear to react to these hilarious incidents with the same sour-faced expression as someone who’s just been diagnosed with leprosy. If you don’t want to spend the rest of your life as a miserable sod, I suggest you start trying to grow back your funny bone and stop punishing the rest of us for pinning a note to your back that says ‘fanny licker’ on it?
Hope that helps!