Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In eight years, Hitler managed to gain and lose an empire that
stretched the breadth of Europe, while in the same amount of time you’ve
just about managed to paint your bathroom. Even taking into account all
the bad Nazi stuff he’s still better than you.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Just in case you’re wondering, since you gave up smoking, cigarettes still make you feel like you’re stood over the barbecue of Zeus.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you feel justifiably pleased with yourself after helping to organise an immensely complex mass escape from a prisoner of war camp, involving tunnels, pommel horses and men depositing dirt through the bottom of their trousers. One thing though, when some big, fat Gestapo officer says ‘good luck’ to you, ignore the fucker.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’re given a Â£10,000 bonus and the rest of the week off from your job as a scriptwriter after you suggest the child character in your soap should speak like an adult for comic effect.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you are asked to leave the X Factor after dressing up like a black and white minstrel. Cheryl Cole is such a racist.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Mrs Robinson, are you trying to seduce me? Because that would be top fucking notch.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week prepare for your first prime minister’s question time as leader of the opposition by changing absolutely everything about yourself.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Donald Pleasance. He’s dead. No he’s not. He’s dead. No he’s not. He’s dead. No he’s not. He’s dead. No he’s not. Donald Pleasance. There, that’s saved you 90 minutes next Halloween.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If a picture paints a thousand words then why can’t I paint you? Alright, can I cover you in bees instead? What about Nutella? Or Fairy Liquid? Maybe some cat poo?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you discover that you’re one of those people who think Britain should jolly well have a Tea Party movement of its own. You should set up a website and fill it with your thoughts. Oh go on.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week don’t be afraid to experiment with something new and
different, such as shutting up about your fucking job for five fucking
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my
bicycle, I want to ride it where I like. Which obviously makes me a better person