Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve not been yourself recently, which explains why people can finally bear to be in the same room as you.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Last week you inflicted grave damage on your political career by whining about ‘blood libel’. You know what you should do this week? Keep going on about it.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Remember, it stops being a ‘prank’ when it requires the intervention of the British Consulate and Â£500k of hush money to cover the whole sorry mess up. Pranks shouldn’t require a gimp dungeon, either.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
To die, to sleep â€“ to sleep perchance to dream. Ay, there’s the rub! For in that sleep of death what dreams may come? I just hope the receptionist with the massive charlies is in it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week why not storm the office of the Mail on Sunday and see if you can somehow make it even worse? I’d bring a packed lunch if I was you.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
I like big butts and I cannot lie. All you other brothers can’t deny when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung, wanna stick out your tongue, said sources close to Signor Berlusconi.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week urinate into a jam jar and place it in the office fridge, but not before labelling it with the name of your least favourite colleague. Who are they all going to believe? You or the dirty freak who keeps their piss in the fridge?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After reading the crossword clue ‘Physically aggressive behaviour (8)’, you realise that violence is the answer.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Seriously, you don’t look over 40. What are you, 36, 37 stone?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will once again promise to try and read the first third of at least one news story about Tunisia.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week, why not express your disdain for ‘celeb gossip nonsense’ in an ad campaign after having appeared on one of the most egregiously awful reality TV shows ever?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you will be approached by a photographer who wants you to do a very tasteful, artistic set of nude photographs. Don’t worry, the donkey’s had all its shots.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Bankers blame capitalism for their arrogance

BANKERS have blamed the capitalist system for thinking they are better than everyone.

RBS chairman, Sir Phillip Hampton, confirmed that all bankers, even the really thick ones, are self-satisfied pricks, especially when the government has to takeover their bank because they clearly don’t know what they’re doing.

But he insisted it was important to continue to pay all them very large sums of money so they find it impossible to think that anything other than what the bank does is absolutely right.

Other bankers backed Sir Philip stressing that blaming them for their own arrogance is like blaming gravity for someone falling over.

Julian Cook, a senior executive at Donnelly-McPartlin who invests in things that will never exist, said: “It’s like being in a club that no one else can join and that feels good. If you can’t get into the club that’s not my fault, it’s capitalism’s.

“You should send it an angry letter, filled with exclamation marks.”

He added: “If being wealthy and thinking I’m brilliant wasn’t so great I’m sure I’d be helping orphans who don’t have feet. But – and I stress that this is completely beyond my control – it is.

“So that means this evening I’ll be munching on slice after slice of prime beef and snorting gak off a fancy prostitute’s shimmering nipples while you got to Asda and buy a cheap thing that’s already been cooked.

“And there’s nothing you or I can can do about it, which is surprising because I’m so fantastic.”

Next story ›