Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve not been yourself recently, which explains why people can finally bear to be in the same room as you.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Last week you inflicted grave damage on your political career by whining about ‘blood libel’. You know what you should do this week? Keep going on about it.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Remember, it stops being a ‘prank’ when it requires the intervention of the British Consulate and Â£500k of hush money to cover the whole sorry mess up. Pranks shouldn’t require a gimp dungeon, either.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
To die, to sleep â€“ to sleep perchance to dream. Ay, there’s the rub! For in that sleep of death what dreams may come? I just hope the receptionist with the massive charlies is in it.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week why not storm the office of the Mail on Sunday and see if you can somehow make it even worse? I’d bring a packed lunch if I was you.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
I like big butts and I cannot lie. All you other brothers can’t deny when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung, wanna stick out your tongue, said sources close to Signor Berlusconi.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week urinate into a jam jar and place it in the office fridge, but not before labelling it with the name of your least favourite colleague. Who are they all going to believe? You or the dirty freak who keeps their piss in the fridge?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After reading the crossword clue ‘Physically aggressive behaviour (8)’, you realise that violence is the answer.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Seriously, you don’t look over 40. What are you, 36, 37 stone?
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will once again promise to try and read the first third of at least one news story about Tunisia.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week, why not express your disdain for ‘celeb gossip nonsense’ in an ad campaign after having appeared on one of the most egregiously awful reality TV shows ever?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you will be approached by a photographer who wants you to do a very tasteful, artistic set of nude photographs. Don’t worry, the donkey’s had all its shots.