SOMEBODY actually bought one of those stupid Segway things, it emerged last night.
A ground-breaking test case has established that Philip Coates purchased one just over a year ago for Â£5000 of his own money.
District judge, Michael Rosenberg, told Coates: “There is a clear paper trail linking you to this contraption.
“And by the way – five grand? What the fuck were you thinking?”
He added: “I see that you have Lembit Opik in court today to support you. Can I just ask – what made you think that was a good idea?
“Perhaps you hadn’t noticed Mr Coates, but Mr Opik is the human equivalent of a Segway. And there he is, standing on a Segway.
“I just wish I could send both of you to prison. For ever.”
Mr Opik, who constructed his own Segway after seeing one in a magazine, said he uses it to get girls.
He added: “They love it when I stand naked on my Segway lecturing them about the dangers of asteroids.
“I urge you to give it a try.”
Coates was fined Â£75 for being a tit and banned from riding his Segway on roads and pavements because even a child can see that it is obviously dangerous and wrong.