Somebody bought a Segway

SOMEBODY actually bought one of those stupid Segway things, it emerged last night.

A ground-breaking test case has established that Philip Coates purchased one just over a year ago for £5000 of his own money.

District judge, Michael Rosenberg, told Coates: “There is a clear paper trail linking you to this contraption.

“And by the way – five grand? What the fuck were you thinking?”

He added: “I see that you have Lembit Opik in court today to support you. Can I just ask – what made you think that was a good idea?

“Perhaps you hadn’t noticed Mr Coates, but Mr Opik is the human equivalent of a Segway. And there he is, standing on a Segway.

“I just wish I could send both of you to prison. For ever.”

Mr Opik, who constructed his own Segway after seeing one in a magazine, said he uses it to get girls.

He added: “They love it when I stand naked on my Segway lecturing them about the dangers of asteroids.

“I urge you to give it a try.”

Coates was fined £75 for being a tit and banned from riding his Segway on roads and pavements because even a child can see that it is obviously dangerous and wrong.


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Clegg told to stop thinking

DEPUTY prime minister Nick Clegg was last night told to stop thinking about stuff.

The move came after Clegg unveiled a plan for men to have 10 months paternity leave that he should clearly have set fire to as soon as he had written it down.

It is the latest in a series of thoughts that Clegg has not been stopped from voicing and comes hard on the heels of his pledge to stand up for Britain’s hard working alarm clocks.

But now cabinet secretary Sir Gus O’Donnell is to conduct a detailed review of the deputy prime minister’s private office in a bid to establish whose job it is to hit him as hard as they can in the face with a shovel whenever he tries to call a press conference.

A source said: “It seems he may have used the alarm clock horseshit as a diversionary tactic to keep us all confused and angry while he put the finishing touches to destroying the British economy.”

Meanwhile expectant mothers across the country have been dissecting the latest notion to escape from the Lib Dem leader’s skull.

Nikki Hollis, from Doncaster, said: “What about men who get you up the duff and then do a runner? Do they get 10 months off to go and chase more fanny?”

Rebecca Utley, from Radcliffe-On-Trent, added: “Unless my husband’s big fat tits suddenly fill up with milk, he’s probably better off at work showing cute baby pictures to the skanky receptionist in the utterly forlorn hope that she’ll blow him in the bogs.”