Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week, convince colleagues that you’re actually playing air-accordion rather than wafting away a hefty bout of guffing.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Warning signals in your relationship when your partner stages an intervention for sex addiction after you suggest you should have intercourse more often than Stanley Baxter appears on television.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Stop worrying that a few grey hairs or your taste in clothes are making you appear old. Your rantings about thieving children are already doing a bang-up job.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You and your three college buddies have just 24 hours to get to the kerraziest party ever on the other side of the country and just one tank of gas to get there. But given the relatively light traffic on the A1 you manage to arrive in plenty of time and actually spend an evening in a lovely B&B the night before.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
What’s worse? Saying you love Hitler or devoting your life to designing stupid clothes for vain, empty women? I’m honestly not sure.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
I’ve been thinking about this for the best part of  a week and I still can’t work out why you think the idea of ‘broadband from Yorkshire’ would not disgust me utterly.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You stop going to Alcoholics Anonymous when it becomes apparent that none of the steps are ‘necking a load of mints so nobody at work notices’.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Jesus may have built your hotrod, but I can tell you now it’s going to make getting spare parts an absolute fucking nightmare.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week your case finally reaches the small-claims court. PetPlan will rue the day it removed ‘rectal insertion’ from the small print.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Of course Saturn, Mars and Venus give a shit about your life. Why wouldn’t they?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Thanks to our two week Photoshop course, you can not only tell your boss to go fuck himself, you can show him a picture of what that would actually look like. Look at him go!

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
One night this week you will wake up to find me shoving a pineapple into your stupid fucking face.


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Women's car insurance to cost same as a drunk, blindfolded monkey's

WOMEN are to pay the same for car insurance as a shit-faced monkey with a bag on its head.

The European Court of Justice has ruled that car insurance premiums should not be subject to discrimination based on species, sobriety or blindfolds, even when it is a stunningly good idea.

But motoring organisations have questioned the decision claiming state-of-the-art computer modelling predicted a higher degree of accident risk if a vehicle is being driven by a colobus monkey who has discovered cars and vodka jelly on the same day and would love to drive at 90mph through a school playground.

A spokesman for the AA said: “There is a popular but completely unwarranted image of women driving while applying make-up, chatting on the phone or steering with their feet while reading one of those magazines that used to be a lovely tree.

“Whereas it does seem fairly obvious that pissed-up monkeys shouldn’t be driving cars.”

He added: “The fact is most women are very careful drivers, apart from my wife, who’s an utter fucking maniac.”

The ruling will mean a 50% increase in premiums for women, a move which insurance companies said would unfairly punish consumers and force them to make more money.

The case was brought by Stevenage motorist Brian Aviva, who claimed his wife should get exactly the same fantastic deal as he does.

Mr Aviva’s lawyer said: “My client and his wife are delighted that their disposable income will now drop by around £200 a year.”

Wayne Hayes, a 17 year-old capuchin monkey from Hatfield, said: “The only difference between me and my female friends is that they seem to have no interest in ramming into a minibus full of children.

“And I don’t see why I should be penalised just because I’m a monkey who wants to see how fast my car goes when it’s upside down.”