Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re looking forward to the first album by Dizzee Rascal since he got his inner-ear problem seen to and became simply ‘Rascal’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
When I want your opinion, I will get in touch with you and ask you ‘Could you let me know what your opinion on this is?’

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If your date reads Robin Ince blogs and likes saying how much of a ‘science geek’ she is, why not take her for a hands-on trip to your local vivisectionist?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It has got to the point that you’re trying to hold on to so many grudges that you decide you need some kind of stand or rack for them.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After buying a dehumidifier this week, your flat is finally lovely and dehumid.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
As you prepare to go to the Star Trek convention this week, remember that the present tense of William Shatner is William Shitner.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After getting annoyed about the media deliberately picking footage of Jimmy Savile where he looks like a massive nonce, it dawns on you that that might be the only kind of Jimmy Savile footage.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The debate about when to use ‘less’ rather than ‘fewer’ has passed you by, more or fewer.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember the old saying “Many hands not only make light work, they also make for a sensational tug-job.”

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, why not pretend you have an anti-establishment attitude by saying “We’re all in this together, right? Right?” whenever somebody mentions the latest governmental atrocity.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After spending the last few days on the phone to your insurance company, you decide to do something more fun instead and go to Bangkok to watch your mum turn tricks in a mixed-sex prison.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You would genuinely like to see your ex happy, if for no other reason than that it would be a first.

 

 

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Jim'll Fix It badges to be recalled, melted down and made into statue of Boris Johnson

FIX It badges awarded by Jimmy Savile are to be rounded up, melted down and made into a statue of Britain’s favourite, non-threatening children’s entertainer.

The move comes after reports of ‘negative energy’ around the badges with owners claiming they have experienced bad luck, illness and, in one case, blood oozing from a kitchen tap.

The owners have been told to hand their badges in to their nearest fire station and then run away as fast as they can.

The 14 foot-high statue, entitled ‘Bobo the Mayor’ will depict Johnson blowing up a balloon.

Bobo has a devoted following across the country thanks to his gift for making public statements about everything, some of which have been entertaining.

Bobo said: “Now, who wants to see me bend this balloon into a magic bicycle?”

The plan was agreed after Labour leader Ed Miliband pointed out, quite rightly, that something must be done.

Meanwhile, those for whom Jim fixed it are to be stripped of their experiences.

A huge bonfire will be used to destroy photographs and mementoes from rollercoaster rides, meeting Evel Knievel and helping a vet.