Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I hate doing Pisces. It always has to be about you, doesn’t it? But what about me, eh? WHAT ABOUT ME?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You make a cost saving this week by giving up trying to keep a second-hand car on the road and instead taking some crack whores to a casino.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Sorry, there’s a huge, empty hole where I would normally expect to find Saturn. Can you come back in 20 minutes?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your outer shell of arch cynicism, pop culture references and sneering
contempt hides a frightened, lonely soul that just wants to be loved.
And inside that, there’s a complete fucking bellend.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Tommy used to work on the docks. Union’s been on strike, he’s down on his luck. It’s tough, so tough. Especially as, given that he’s a scouser, he won’t stop fucking whining about it.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Sorry about this, but I seem to have crashed your car, set fire to your house and impregnated your wife after what she described as easily the best sex she’s ever had. Do you want to talk about it?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’d always thought that the greatest joy in life is being surrounded
by loving family and friends. Until that magical day you tried crack.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week look for something brilliant to remake badly for an audience of cretins.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Dressing as a goblin king and surrounding yourself with fantastical Jim Henson creations may divert people from asking why you’ve constructed an enormous labyrinth in order to get into the pants of a 14-year-old girl.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week why not start a discussion about whether or not to set up a
no-fly zone. I’m sure the psychopath will be more than happy to stop
killing people while you make up your mind.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
A bad week as you’re unfortunately reminded of the existence of the pop group Bis and you’re later arrested for setting fire to an art college.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Jesus, it fucking stinks in this place. Has Jupiter been here? Open a window before I gip.


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Bieber-fever a sexually transmitted disease, say experts

‘BIEBER fever’ is a sexually transmitted bacterial infection, scientists have confirmed.

Concerned parents had assumed the condition was nothing more than a mild condition caused by the innocent hysteria which fills the air at Justin Bieber events.

But the Institute for Studies has discovered it is a chronic sexual disease with symptoms including hallucinations and pus.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We’ve traced the bacteria’s origins to a backstage area at Bieber concerts known as The Pit.

“It’s a dark, moist room lined with ragged black satin. There’s a DJ playing 80s industrial music, Nosferatu-like lesbians writhing menacingly and a table covered in little white plastic cups full of raspberry squash.

“Justin himself wears rubber and a pair of strap-on hooves. Anyone who touches his hair is nailed to the floor.”

He added: “We believe the bacteria incubated in The Pit before escaping during a particularly dangerous rendition of Never Say Never and then spread quickly as Bieber fans licked each other on the face and hands in response to Justin’s overwhelming raunch.”

Father of three, Tom Logan, said: “My 14 year-old came to me and said ‘dad, I think I’ve got Bieber fever’. I replied that I should hope so as those concert tickets cost a fucking fortune.

“She then explained that I had misunderstood and that according to the internet she was going to need some strong antibiotics.”

Professor Brubaker said: “I can’t decide whether to call it Bieberrhea or Biemydia.”