Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I hate doing Pisces. It always has to be about you, doesn’t it? But what about me, eh? WHAT ABOUT ME?
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You make a cost saving this week by giving up trying to keep a second-hand car on the road and instead taking some crack whores to a casino.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Sorry, there’s a huge, empty hole where I would normally expect to find Saturn. Can you come back in 20 minutes?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your outer shell of arch cynicism, pop culture references and sneering
contempt hides a frightened, lonely soul that just wants to be loved.
And inside that, there’s a complete fucking bellend.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Tommy used to work on the docks. Union’s been on strike, he’s down on his luck. It’s tough, so tough. Especially as, given that he’s a scouser, he won’t stop fucking whining about it.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Sorry about this, but I seem to have crashed your car, set fire to your house and impregnated your wife after what she described as easily the best sex she’s ever had. Do you want to talk about it?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’d always thought that the greatest joy in life is being surrounded
by loving family and friends. Until that magical day you tried crack.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week look for something brilliant to remake badly for an audience of cretins.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Dressing as a goblin king and surrounding yourself with fantastical Jim Henson creations may divert people from asking why you’ve constructed an enormous labyrinth in order to get into the pants of a 14-year-old girl.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week why not start a discussion about whether or not to set up a
no-fly zone. I’m sure the psychopath will be more than happy to stop
killing people while you make up your mind.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
A bad week as you’re unfortunately reminded of the existence of the pop group Bis and you’re later arrested for setting fire to an art college.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Jesus, it fucking stinks in this place. Has Jupiter been here? Open a window before I gip.