Tories to treat you like children too

IT is not just the Labour Party who wants to treat you like a three year-old child, it has emerged.

'When you're 18 you can have your own Big Society'

Health secretary Andrew Lansley will today set out his plans for naughty steps, sitting up straight and five minutes of Rastamouse before bath time.

Mr Lansley said: “Everyone quiet down. That’s better. Are we all sitting nice? That’s right Stephen, arms folded.

“Now then, hands up who knows what this is? No-one? Well, it’s what’s called ‘a packet of cigarettes’.

“Now cigarettes may look like lovely, tasty sweets but they’re really very nasty and stinky and they make you die.

“But it’s okay because we’re all going to play a super, fun game where we imagine there are no cigarettes.

“I’m going to hide them all and to win the game all you have to do is to not try and find them.

“And to make it even more super and fun the packet of cigarettes will just be a plain white box with the word ‘cigarettes’ in big, black capital letters and a huge picture of a rotting lung on it, making it even easier to not find.

“And whoever doesn’t find the most packets gets to live forever.”

Stephen Malley, a sales executive who sits nice from Finsbury Park, said: “I won’t try and find siggyrets, Mrs Lansley, I promise. Stinky horrid nasty thing.”

He added “Can I have some nice vodka now, please?”