Tories to treat you like children too

IT is not just the Labour Party who wants to treat you like a three year-old child, it has emerged.

Health secretary Andrew Lansley will today set out his plans for naughty steps, sitting up straight and five minutes of Rastamouse before bath time.

Mr Lansley said: “Everyone quiet down. That’s better. Are we all sitting nice? That’s right Stephen, arms folded.

“Now then, hands up who knows what this is? No-one? Well, it’s what’s called ‘a packet of cigarettes’.

“Now cigarettes may look like lovely, tasty sweets but they’re really very nasty and stinky and they make you die.

“But it’s okay because we’re all going to play a super, fun game where we imagine there are no cigarettes.

“I’m going to hide them all and to win the game all you have to do is to not try and find them.

“And to make it even more super and fun the packet of cigarettes will just be a plain white box with the word ‘cigarettes’ in big, black capital letters and a huge picture of a rotting lung on it, making it even easier to not find.

“And whoever doesn’t find the most packets gets to live forever.”

Stephen Malley, a sales executive who sits nice from Finsbury Park, said: “I won’t try and find siggyrets, Mrs Lansley, I promise. Stinky horrid nasty thing.”

He added “Can I have some nice vodka now, please?”



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People still unsure how banks work

THE £6.5m bonus paid to Barclays chief Bob Diamond was last night criticised by people with no real grasp of capitalism.

Angry online word-flingers roundly condemned the sum which coincidentally was the jackpot amount won in the weekend’s lottery by somebody who did approximately 12 seconds’ work buying their ticket.

Julian Cook, from Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “I will cheerfully give a weeks’ wages to the first internet Paxman complaining about our bonus system that can even vaguely explain what it is we do for a living.

“Bob Diamond earned his bonus by maximising Barclay’s equity differential market by a factor of six whilst ensuring their contingent capital base stayed under 2.3% Or have I just made all of that up? You haven’t the faintest idea, have you?”

But taxi driver and part-time financial analyst Roy Hobbs said: “It’s all about fat cats and bailouts, isn’t it? We own Barclays along with all the other banks so where’s my £6.5 million? That’s the question I’m absolutely convinced I’m the first person to ever have asked.”

But Cook stressed: “Arsing off about the capitalist system is rather like a fish complaining about the preponderance of water in its life.

“Unless, of course, you’re somehow venting your dreary, uninformed fury on the internet via a computer made from twigs by a worker’s collective.

“And complaining that bankers are obsessed with making money is like saying lions are obsessed with eating gazelles.

“Perhaps you’d prefer us to sit around weaving fair trade wicker baskets and then use the profits from that to lend you cheap money so you can buy all those things you simply have to have.”

He added: “We could try communism but then Bob Diamond would earn millions from being in the politburo, only you’d know nothing about it because the newspaper has just the one story and it’s about how fucking great your community tractor is.

“You could try complaining, just like you are now, but then someone who works for Bob Diamond would shoot you in the face.”