THINGS that are not computers are little more than a tedious diversion from computers, according to new research.
The Institute for Studies compared things like all organisms, objects and every other aspect of the natural world to a computer with the internet on it and found them to be a load of rubbish.
They also conducted experiments where humans were made to choose between a series of things that might be once have been considered diverting – including a basket full of baby seals, an attractive, naked woman and a short time travel jaunt to witness a fight between a triceratops and a tyrannosaurus rex – and access to a computer with the internet on it.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The computer won each time, except in the case of one 30-year-old test subject who briefly chose the time travel trip but then immediately changed his mind after realising that without internet access he would be unable to immediately show off about it.
“Objectively we must conclude that a computer with the internet on it is better than anything else except perhaps a computer with slightly faster internet on it.”
He added: “Perhaps it’s because they don’t ask annoying questions like ‘Why don’t we ever have sex any more?”
Father-of-one Stephen Malley said: “What I like about computers is how they blur the line between doing work and wasting your life.
“I also enjoy waiting until my wife has gone to bed and then masturbating over low resolution video clips of depraved situations involving sad-eyed girls with heavily processed hair and a disproportionate number of men who look like naked armed robbers, while the cold, relentless glow of the LCD monitor illuminates my expressionless face like a sad moon.
“Well, not exactly enjoy. But I do seem to keep doing it over and over again.”
Housewife Nikki Hollis said: “I was wondering the other day whether, if the house burned down, I would save my laptop or another object, such as my husband.
“Then I realised that the house had in fact burned down around me and that I had been too engrossed in Facebook and pictures of nice tops to realise.
“At that point I saw my husband’s charred remains among the smouldering wreckage and rapidly updated my relationship status to ‘single’.”