Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your upbeat attitude, positive outlook and unquenchable optimism prove that you obviously haven’t been paying attention.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
As you recount the anecdote of the time Truman Capote fell out with Robert Frost to the Norwegian ambassador over a glass of Chablis, you’re fired on the spot for not handing out a single vol au vent all evening.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Can you tell me the latest developments in the new series of 90210? You can? Oh that’s wonderful. What time would you like me to set fire to you?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week when you arrive an hour late for work reeking of last night’s Bacardi and with a suspicious-looking sore on your lip, don’t forget to blame the whole thing on Britain’s lust for empire.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your hubris at reaching the quarter finals of the Champion’s  League is finally destroyed when you have to play an actual football team.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The discovery of a new planet just beyond the orbit of Pluto finally explains your latent homosexuality.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re right it does seem like an impossible dilemma which could threaten to derail your carefully assembled happiness. But I do think you should try the muesli.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week, hire an intern on the basis of nepotism and then make their life utter fucking hell.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It wasn’t a one-night-stand.  More of a three-minutes-bent-over-the-bonnet-of-a-minicab. Don’t cheapen it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
No, I’m sure it’s perfectly normal for a boss to schedule a one-to-one meeting for 4.45 on a Friday afternoon where they ask you to bring a cardboard box and there’s a security guard hovering at the door.  You’ve earned that promotion.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As a fresh-faced teenager finishing your A-levels, this summer promises to be an exciting time seeing new places, meeting new people and accepting your place on the bottom rung of the prison ladder. When they ask if you packed your own bag they aren’t being nosey.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I was tidying my snuggery and I found this catalogue for sex swings. Can you give it back to your  mum? Cheers.



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Hoax flash mob used to cull dicks

THE promise of a ‘flash mob’ has lured thousands of annoying people to their timely deaths, it emerged last night.

The use of a mobile-advertised mass event as bait for a murder trap is part of a scheme to reduce the number of dicks in the UK to 33 million by 2014.

A spokesman for campaign group Co-ordinate Your Death, said: “Flash mobbing is a recent phenomenon in which a group of individuals gathers in one place to show off.

“So what better way to lure the nation’s surplus dicks to their demise than by using social network sites to disseminate invitations to a pants-only custard pie and glitter fight in Trafalgar square?”

An estimated five thousand semi-clothed attention seekers gathered in the hope of making strangers think they are crazy, uninhibited mavericks.

However they were quickly torn to pieces by voracious dogs specially trained to kill partially naked people covered in custard and glitter.

Sociologist Dr Nikki Hollis said: “Flash mobbers typically believe that they are enlightening and challenging the everyday humdrum world of the square nine-to-fivers with their wacky, spontaneous, beguilingly childlike antics.

“You may have noticed I used the word ‘wacky’.”

She added: “There is a reason many of us have lost touch with our inner children. It’s that we are have become adults, fully grown humans capable of reading relatively complicated books, operating machines like cars and taking ourselves to the toilet.

“So while you can’t condone the killing of innocent people, these are not innocent people.

“So how can it possibly matter?”