Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week will consist mostly of complaining vociferously about press intrusion into personal lives whilst privately wanking yourself soppy over the photos.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re right, The Simpsons has gone completely downhill and subsequently the latest series is only four billion times funnier than anything you’ve ever thought of.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, why not take the kids to see that film about the guy with the long hair and the hammer who’s been sent to Earth on a mission from the gods? Who doesn’t love Peter Sutcliffe?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your kids are at that difficult age when they’re too old for toys but too young to get the fuck out of your house.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Unhappy with the speed of your broadband, you tell Sky that your promise to pay ‘up to 100%’ of your bill actually meant ‘about 23%’ of your bill.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You finally realise you’re not at the world’s best university when they announce their intention to award the Emeritus Chair in Applied Mathematics to a Chuckle Brother.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Absinthe famously inspired such artists as Latrec, Rimbaud and Wilde but to be honest it’s just a really expensive way of watering down your meths.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Sometimes when your cat looks up at you, it’s almost like he’s a little person. That still doesn’t mean you can make love to him.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Have you been going to the gym recently? No, you don’t look any thinner, but you do fucking stink.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
So much of possible human endeavour has already been achieved, which is why you find yourself sat in a helicopter preparing to become the first person to poop into an active volcano.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Calling occupants of interplanetary craft. Calling occupants of interplanetary, most extraordinary craft. Please move your vehicle as it’s parked in a loading bay.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
There’s always somebody worse off than you are, but if you don’t stop your trivial, pissy moaning that can always be rearranged.