Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Congratulations on losing four stone! Only three more bits of that whole “Boring, pig-ignorant, big fat shitbag” thing to deal with. Good luck!
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you misinterpret the objective of your company’s outward-bound teambuilding trip as you return to the office with a bag containing the heads of your entire department.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You will have a disappointing trip to the cinema this week, telling people that X Men First Class is a woefully-scripted film that lurches from one genre to the next with no respect for narrative or continuity, when in fact you’ve walked out after the trailers.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Relaxing in a hammock with a beer in one hand, watching the smoke from your cigarette curl upwards into the limitless azure canopy of the summer sky. What could be better? Well, answering the 999 calls that come into your fire station, for a start.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The next time somebody on the bus starts playing music loudly on their phone, confuse the bejesus out of them by pulling out a clarinet and having an extremely loud conversation down it.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I think that whole assisted suicide thing could really work for you.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I’ve got a whole lotta love. I’ve got a whole lotta love. I’ve got a whole lotta love. No seriously, it’s been three years and it’s starting to affect the way I walk. Could you at least describe your underpants?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Almost halfway through the year, so how are those New Year resolutions doing? Tell you what, I’ll give you a shiny pound if you can remember what they were.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not threaten to do something unspeakably awful so when you later promise to do something less terrible you’re seen as having backed down rather than acting the total shit?
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you may find yourself in need of emotional support. Therefore making it just like every other week. Have you given any thought to just getting a fucking grip?
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You regret eating that big bag of magic mushrooms after you have a freaky hallucination where you order a load of shopping from Tesco home delivery and what turns up is what you actually asked for.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
What’s that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Oh, I’m terribly sorry, how long have you two been married?