Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Remember that the police will be focusing on drink drivers right now, making it the perfect time to start kidnapping dogs again.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s the busiest time of the year in your social calendar but hopefully you should be able to remember both entries in it, especially as one of them is a chiropodists appointment.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s not your fault you’re always late, is it? Oh that’s right, it is, you utter fucking nightmare.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Masturbating in a city centre branch of Tesco does not necessarily make you a ‘metrosexual’.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A great sense of relief this week as several ambitious and pissed-off generals may now have access to nuclear weapons, rather than the single lunatic who managed not to use them for years.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Who’s the black private dick that’s a sex machine to all the chicks and why he is texting you at two in the morning about what a complicated man he is?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you will have a date with destiny, and she has a much fuller moustache than the photos on the escort’s website suggested.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Oh good, that bit in the Inbetweeners film where the tall one does the robotic dancing is on the telly again. Excellent.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve always had an old head on young shoulders. A bit like a midget wearing a Michael Douglas mask.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I don’t care how infectious your workmate’s laugh is, that is not the reason it burns when you pee now.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Go to Morocco. There you will meet a man called Hassan who will ask whether you enjoy the works of Proust. He will drive you to the foothills of the Q’altar mountains where, hidden deep in a cave, is a man that, legend has it, knows how to stop Windows downloading updates.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Dogs have been known to predict earthquakes and cattle predict thunderstorms but you’re surprised this week when you come home to your bedsit to find the cockroaches have spelled out the words ‘The boiler is giving you carbon monoxide poisoning’.