Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! And I’ll give you twenty quid if you can get me some rubber gloves and a big jar of goose fat while you’re at it.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Impress your new boss by scribbling copious notes throughout a meeting, making sure he doesn’t read them and realise you’re just listing all the heavy things you’d like to fling at his groin.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
When you tell your friends that you never argue with your other half they think you’re being smug but what they don’t realise is it’s because you’re absolutely terrified of her.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
It’s always a startling discovery to find your first grey pubic hair, especially when it’s nestling on top of the French onion soup you just ordered.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
She was a kooky free spirit with an outrageous sense of adventure. He was a buttoned-down hypochondriac who’d never left his home town. But when they ended up on a date, they absolutely loathed each other and called it a night before the starter even arrived.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
While everybody loves an optimist, it may be time to acknowledge that you can throw away that ‘Torres to finish top scorer in the Premier League’ betting slip.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re holding off any boycott of Murdoch’s Sun on Sunday newspaper until you can conclusively assess how many pap shots of The Saturdays getting out of a limo it’ll have each week. No point painting yourself into a corner.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Having an intervention staged on your behalf doesn’t necessarily mean you’re an alcoholic but when it’s shown on prime time Saturday night ITV you may have to take action.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
I see you driving round town with the girl I love, and I’m like – screw you. And your British School of Motoring.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Fame of a sort this week as you prompt the trending Twitter hashtag #haveyouevervomitedoverabishop?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No, I don’t think chopping up chopping up a load of crab sticks into a sweet & sour Pot Noodle does count as ‘pan-Asian cuisine’, actually.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your star sign needs a software update. Please switch the universe off and switch it back on again.