Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have a vague sense that your life hasn’t gone as well as you’d hoped.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It takes two to tango, but at least five for a daisy chain.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A disclipinary at work after it emerges that organising a lunchtime cock-fight in the office is somehow politically incorrect.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’re honoured this week when you’re asked to press the button to turn on the local Christmas lights. Same as last year, it’s two little green men near a pedestrian crossing.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your eyes are too big for your belly, so you vomited them back up. Now you’re covered in semi-digested eyeballs and you’re blind. Bummer.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It’s only after you’re asked to sign your autobiography that you realise that the past few weeks have been a hallucination and you’ve actually been writing a lengthy murder confession.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The iconic scene from ‘Spartacus’ is rendered mundane this week when you discover that in that era, ‘Spartacus’ was the equivalent of ‘Steve’ and one in three slaves were called it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Why not liven up a boring day in the office by starting the shut-down process on your computer, then quickly trying to write an email?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The end is neigh. Sorry, I’m just channelling Nostradamus’ horse. No, you piss off.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Growing up, your parents always assured you that if you worked hard, treated people well and never gave up, you could achieve absolutely anything. What a lying pair of fuckers.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You admit your interest in pornography has surpassed that of the ‘enthusiastic amateur’ when you’re able not only to name all the actors in a scene but also the art direction and lighting technicians.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If you had been born 24 hours earlier you’d have been a creative, broad-minded Leo. Tough luck, Virgo, you miserable arsehole.



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Hawking baffled by electricity bill

LEADING physicist Stephen Hawking cannot understand the tariffs charged by his electricity supplier.

The world-renowned scientist began attempting to decode his electricity bill some months ago, but has now admitted defeat after it proved more far complicated than his work on gravitational singularities.

Hawking said: “The bill appears to be based on arbitrary calculations in which the value of electricity varies for no apparent reason.

“If this were how the laws of physics operated, we would live in a world where objects randomly floated away, disappeared completely, or suddenly became ginormous.

“What is the Standard Premium Economy Rate? And how can it co-exist with the Economy Standard Saver Rate, which appears to be the same but also different?

“The only constant is that utility bills increase tremendously over time, and that some spotty little sales bastard always knocks on my door just when I’m about to have my tea.

“Overall, the complete absence of logic makes it an insoluble problem. This is not a phrase I’ve used before, but it has done my head in.”