Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your decision to open a karaoke bar in Cardiff pays dividends this week as you spot a gaggle of cackling women headed by, one with 600 grand burning a hole in her pocket.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
At the third stroke it will be time to accept your cocaine habit needs looking at. Beep, beep, beeeeep.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Mercury comes round to your party with a self-made mix CD entitled ‘Best Of The Beatles’ and when you play it, they’re all Ringo songs. What a prick.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
So, that’s the first draft of your screenplay written. Now comes the hard work of transcribing it from the faeces on your bedroom wall.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As a coroner you’re noticing more and more people’s cause of death being listed as “Using the phrase ‘totes amazeballs’ near somebody who isn’t an unforgivable wanker”.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Taking off your hobnailed boots and stepping off the prone, semi-conscious former rapper, you haughtily tell the producers of ‘Dancing On Ice’ that you still feel your version is more entertaining.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If your teenager is caught shoplifting it may be a cry for attention. Definitely so if it’s a loudhailer.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Money worries again this week. The crosshatching seems blurred and the pink dye on the £50 notes still isn’t drying right.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I don’t think the changed privacy settings on Google are really going to be necessary for people to know your browsing history, as ‘porn’ and ‘expired crates of vodka’ just about covers it, yes?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your lifelong mantra of asking why the police aren’t out catching real criminals backfires this week after they take your advice and arrest the shit out of you.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
While your boss knows you inexplicably spent three years studying philosophy at university, even she wasn’t expecting you to crowbar in Zeno’s tortoise paradox for why you’ve turned up at 1030 for the third day running.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A gaze that lingers for a second longer than expected, a gentle brush of the arm when holding a door open, playing with their hair when they talk to you. Yep, your cellmate is definitely going to try and fuck you tonight after lights out.


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Please buy a Blackberry Playbook, says guilt-ridden Apple

ELECTRONICS giant Apple has begun promoting Blackberry’s unfortunate tablet machine out of a mixture of pity and guilt.

The very limited success of Blackberry’s goofy iPad clone, named after an 80s sex manual, has widened the vast coolness-chasm between the two brands to such an embarrassing extent that Apple has been forced to act.

An Apple spokesman said: “While we sought to outperform Blackberry, we never wanted this. This is just…it doesn’t feel like a victory, it feels cruel.

“Those Blackberry guys, a lot of them are good people, plus they’ve got kids to feed, they deserve to make at least a modest living.

“That’s why we’re lending them some of our credibility.

“So please get out there, buy a Playbook. Even better buy two, give the spare away to some elderly relatives who don’t really like technology, or just use it as a tray for carrying hot drinks.”

While former comedians are already recording Blackberry reminiscences for a nostalgia-based Channel 4 lists show, many Blackberry workers have given their youngest children over to the care of kindly strangers.

The Apple spokesman added: “In the gladiatorial arena of shiny thing-sales, we have our sandal on Blackberry’s throat and a spear poised at its forehead.

“As well as being covered in sand, blood and snot, Blackberry has pissed itself and is weeping like an infant, begging for mercy.

“But instead of delivering the fatal blow, we’ve realised that the thirst for victory almost robbed us of our empathy for the weak.

“We need to get this thing going again, not only for the poor ragged infants of Blackberry families but to keep things interesting for ourselves.”