Met loaned Mystic Meg a water cannon

SUN astrologer Mystic Meg was given use of a CVT6000 police water cannon in 2007, it has emerged.

The bob-haired soothsayer was handed the keys to the 25,000-litre Croatian vehicle as part of her ongoing war with the Daily Mirror’s Psychic Sally after the pair fell out over an ebay auction of Aleister Crowley’s goat harness.

A Metropolitan Police spokesman said: “We routinely find foster homes for our retired water cannons.

“Ms Meg very kindly gave star chart readings for everyone above the rank of chief inspector, as well as offering predictions as to when we’d next bother to pursue a rape case.

“The vehicle was returned in excellent condition and she’d even refilled the tank with water she said was from a mystical spring that would turn rioters into bats.”

The arrangement was one of many between the Met and News International, with ‘Bizarre’ editor Gordon Smart being loaned the Territorial Support Group which he and George Osborne would then ride around the Chilterns on a Sunday afternoon.

Meanwhile, agony aunt Deidre Saunders had regular access to surveillance helicopters and night vision goggles and financial columnist Captain Crunch was given a special badge so he could stop and search large breasted women.

The water cannon died of natural causes in 2009, which Labour MP Tom Watson described as ‘very suspicious’.

 

 

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Men in hiding

THOUSANDS of men left for work at 5am this morning to avoid being proposed at.

Tradition dictates that on 29 February women are allowed under the ancient rites of common law to corner their partner and force him to stop fucking about.

Historians date the practice back to AD 61 when Queen Boudica told her boyfriend she would not lead a single Iceni to revolt until he explained why he never left any tunics or even a toothbrush round at her place.

Carlisle office manager Nikki Hollis said: “I’m actually on the brink of breaking up with my partner for a number of compatibility, emotional and cock-related reasons but I bought a ten quid Argos ring just to see the look of horror on his face this morning.

“Having the bedroom window reglazed is going to cost two hundred quid but it was totally worth it to watch his pale, flabby arse flying out of it.”

Offices were opened first thing by security guards who are perfectly happy the way things are without having to complicate matters and productivity has soared as male staff get on with their jobs rather than risk seeing an email entitled ‘A Very Special Question’.

Tom Logan, a call centre unit from Sunderland, said: “Like most men I’ll instantly answer ‘yes’ to anything that avoids sobbing, a conversation or being called a prick by somebody’s mother.

“Therefore I have eaten the sim card from my phone, I’ve made a nest under my desk out of printer paper and I’m wearing a camouflage onesie.

“I don’t have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of needing to give a monkey’s fuck about floral arrangements.”