Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After watching the Tulisa sex video several times this week you come to the inescapable conclusion that she is obviously miming.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Each morning, wake up asking yourself “How am I going to make the world a better place today?” as this will excuse the fact you don’t get out of bed.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you ease your nerves at giving your first speech as a member of the royal family by opening with the joke about the fishmonger and the nun.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The fact you have iPhone insurance but not health insurance might seem like a poor life choice to people who haven’t met you and had the chance to work out whether you’re worth £500 or not.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your credit rating is definitely improving as the last time you asked for an extension to your overdraft your bank manager only gave you an open-handed slap.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You have a landmark birthday coming up, inasmuch as by the time it’s your birthday you will officially be large enough to be considered an Ordnance Survey landmark.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re really looking forward to Prometheus, but will it be as good as GI Jane, Kingdom Of Heaven or Robin Hood?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Billions of years of sexual tension end this week as Venus and Jupiter start getting their interplanetary freak on in the night sky.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If you feel that wearing slightly quirky clothes, sneering at reality television and liking Brian Cox justifies describing yourself as a ‘geek’, can I suggest that you Google the words ‘geek’ & ‘etymology’, buy yourself a live chicken and get back to me when you’re done?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your partner takes her striptease role-playing fantasy too far this week when you try and give her a kiss and a big bloke in a bomber jacket bursts into the bedroom and knocks shite out of you.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You know that it would be untrue, you know that I would be a liar, if I was to say to you, girl we couldn’t get much higher. But the lift doesn’t go up to the last two floors and you sweat like soft cheese just getting out of your chair.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Please note this horoscope was written in Mauritius and you will be charged 150p per word for reading it. Here, it just cost you three quid to read me calling you a camel’s bollock.