Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will come down with woman-flu. Which is exactly the same as man-flu. Why should it be any different? You sexist pig.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Yes, it does look like Alan Sugar with a hangover. Now put it away, for God’s sake.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The dog gets wind of your intentions in the vet’s waiting room when the radio starts playing Coldplay’s Fix You.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The next time you make stew, remember that Baileys doesn’t really make an acceptable substitute for bay leaves.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A sex worker rudely refuses your request for something specialist, little realising you’re being filmed for Undercover Boss.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve been wanting to use your new phrase, ‘seen more jism than a Travelodge bedsheet’, for weeks without the opportunity but fortunately the in-laws are coming to visit this weekend.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
An awkward moment during first aid training when you tell colleagues that the limbless resuscitation torso reminds you of your first girlfriend.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Temporarily giving up drink hasn’t been easy but as the 30th approaches, you feel it has been a worthwhile half hour.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you post the phrase “Free Ipad Bieber sex Obama 9/11 followers” in a bid to make Twitter explode.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No sign of your name in the Sports Personality Of The Year shortlist, so jogging to catch that bus back in August seems to have been a complete waste of fucking time.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you have an upset stomach just drink plenty of water, get some rest and stop eating stuff out the Iceland bins for a few days.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I’ll send you all my love, every day in a letter. And seal it with…well, you can probably guess that.