Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will come down with woman-flu. Which is exactly the same as man-flu. Why should it be any different? You sexist pig.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Yes, it does look like Alan Sugar with a hangover. Now put it away, for God’s sake.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The dog gets wind of your intentions in the vets waiting room when the radio starts playing Coldplays Fix You.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The next time you make stew, remember that Baileys doesnt really make an acceptable substitute for bay leaves.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A sex worker rudely refuses your request for something specialist, little realising you’re being filmed for Undercover Boss.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Youve been wanting to use your new phrase, seen more jism than a Travelodge bedsheet, for weeks without the opportunity but fortunately the in-laws are coming to visit this weekend.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
An awkward moment during first aid training when you tell colleagues that the limbless resuscitation torso reminds you of your first girlfriend.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Temporarily giving up drink hasnt been easy but as the 30th approaches, you feel it has been a worthwhile half hour.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you post the phrase Free Ipad Bieber sex Obama 9/11 followers in a bid to make Twitter explode.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No sign of your name in the Sports Personality Of The Year shortlist, so jogging to catch that bus back in August seems to have been a complete waste of fucking time.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you have an upset stomach just drink plenty of water, get some rest and stop eating stuff out the Iceland bins for a few days.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I’ll send you all my love, every day in a letter. And seal it with…well, you can probably guess that.