Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will come down with woman-flu. Which is exactly the same as man-flu. Why should it be any different? You sexist pig.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Yes, it does look like Alan Sugar with a hangover. Now put it away, for God’s sake.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The dog gets wind of your intentions in the vets waiting room when the radio starts playing Coldplays Fix You.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The next time you make stew, remember that Baileys doesnt really make an acceptable substitute for bay leaves.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A sex worker rudely refuses your request for something specialist, little realising you’re being filmed for Undercover Boss.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Youve been wanting to use your new phrase, seen more jism than a Travelodge bedsheet, for weeks without the opportunity but fortunately the in-laws are coming to visit this weekend.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
An awkward moment during first aid training when you tell colleagues that the limbless resuscitation torso reminds you of your first girlfriend.

Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Temporarily giving up drink hasnt been easy but as the 30^th approaches, you feel it has been a worthwhile half hour.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you post the phrase Free Ipad Bieber sex Obama 9/11 followers in a bid to make Twitter explode.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No sign of your name in the Sports Personality Of The Year shortlist, so jogging to catch that bus back in August seems to have been a complete waste of fucking time.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you have an upset stomach just drink plenty of water, get some rest and stop eating stuff out the Iceland bins for a few days.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I’ll send you all my love, every day in a letter. And seal it with…well, you can probably guess that.

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Britain in free-press bullshit extravaganza

BRITAIN is today enjoying a world class exchange of self-righteous bullshit.

In the traditional eve-of-major-report shouting ritual, professional and amateur opinion-havers made one last bid to silence their opponents’ views on free speech.

The media bullshit, led by News International, the Daily Telegraph and the Daily Mail, is focused firmly on the phrases ‘300 years’, ‘state-control’ and ‘worse than the French’.

But this has also been combined with a thinly-veiled threat to MPs tempted to vote for new regulation that they will have their fucking lives turned upside down.

The pro-regulation bullshit is a diverse collective of fancy writers, self-loathing Guardian readers and the adulterous croquet-player John Prescott.

They have rallied round the phrases ‘Murdoch’, ‘Murdoch’ and ‘Thatcher’.

Meanwhile, some of Britain’s most trusted and intelligent actors have called for tough regulations, a state-of-the-art trailer and £2m to play themselves in the Sam Mendes adaptation of day 14 of the Leveson hearings.

Media analyst Julian Cook said: “Like all proper British debates about important things, press freedom must be decided on the basis of vested interests, ulterior motives and dimwitted tribal nonsense.

“Otherwise how on earth would we get it completely wrong?”

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