Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You only pitched the ad concept ‘Helping to get your mum some cock this Christmas’ to Boots for a laugh, but they unexpectedly went with it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Don’t want to alarm you, but a severe downturn in your health will be made to look like an accident.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
NASA has found organic material on Mercury, reminding you of the time you had to clear up after a Queen album launch.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
No word from Kate Bush yet about your chiropodist bill after that barefoot journey home from the lake.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You make it to the middle pages of the Leveson enquiry and discover it’s a pull-out-and-keep wallchart of everybody that’s going to jail.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Minty. The next seven days are going to be very…minty.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, numerous passive-aggressive indications that any gift under a hundred quid would result in six months’ hand rations.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After your property hunting involves estate agents, builders and bank managers you decide to have your new home blessed by a priest to complete the arsehole ‘full house’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re unconcerned about diseased ash trees because you know all plants go to Heaven.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Please enter the 1st, 2nd and 4th digit of your star signal to continue.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your profile on the dating website says you have an athletic build, mainly because you look like Crystal Palace stadium.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Betting on the royal baby name, you decide to risk the long odds on ‘Dodi Cromwell Lenin Hamza’.