Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You only pitched the ad concept Helping to get your mum some cock this Christmas to Boots for a laugh, but they unexpectedly went with it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Don’t want to alarm you, but a severe downturn in your health will be made to look like an accident.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
NASA has found organic material on Mercury, reminding you of the time you had to clear up after a Queen album launch.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
No word from Kate Bush yet about your chiropodist bill after that barefoot journey home from the lake.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You make it to the middle pages of the Leveson enquiry and discover its a pull-out-and-keep wallchart of everybody thats going to jail.

Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Minty. The next seven days are going to be very…minty.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, numerous passive-aggressive indications that any gift under a hundred quid would result in six months hand rations.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After your property hunting involves estate agents, builders and bank managers you decide to have your new home blessed by a priest to complete the arsehole ‘full house’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re unconcerned about diseased ash trees because you know all plants go to Heaven.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Please enter the 1^st, 2^nd and 4^th digit of your star signal to continue.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your profile on the dating website says you have an athletic build, mainly because you look like Crystal Palace stadium.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Betting on the royal baby name, you decide to risk the long odds on Dodi Cromwell Lenin Hamza.

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Osborne to blame everything on time machine

GEORGE Osborne will today blame Britain’s economic woes on a time-travelling Labour MP from the year 2044.

In his autumn statement the chancellor will say that Tom Logan, a future cabinet minister who was born in 2009, has been using a time machine to meddle with the British economy.

A Treasury source said: “Logan is the Peter Mandelson of the 2040s. We believe he has perfected time-travel and is now using wormholes in the space-time continuum to lay the groundwork for an endless series of Labour landslides.

“He arrives in his time machine and then hacks into the Treasury’s mainframe computer to ensure that every single one of our decisions is completely wrong.

“Then he returns to 2044 where he discovers to his immense satisfaction that the Conservative Party no longer exists and has been replaced by a handful UKIP MPs led by Nigel Farage III.”

Later today Osborne will outline plans to hunt down the infant Logan and lock him in a dog cage.

The source added: “We still don’t know that much about him. Where was he born? What does he look like? Perhaps at some point he changed his name? Perhaps he’s not even British?

“And, if Logan is anything like Mandelson, he will almost certainly have created an invincible robot to travel back in time to protect his younger self.

“If only we can find the child version of Logan and stop him from becoming a politician then we should see growth of about 1.1% by the end of 2015.”

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