Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Look, Noddy, first you say Christmas is ‘here’, then ‘look to the future’, then ‘it’s only just begun’. Make up your mind.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
On Thursday your colleague will sit reading a dictionary, saying “…someplace, Somerset, somesuch…”. He’s clearly up to something.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not spend the weekend with your partner making hot, sweet love? Or failing that, tea?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It’s your 20th anniversary this week, so you really push the boat out for dinner by Supersizing it.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You wonder how other people view you after constantly having to confirm to your friends that you’re not the ‘man from London in his 60s’ mentioned on the news.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Good news as the Jedi religion opts out of gay marriage. Lucas made Han & Leia, not Fran and Leia.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
With the death of Rupert Murdoch’s mother last week comes the terrible realisation that this was how he’d been behaving with a parent he didn’t want to let down.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
More meddling from Eurocrats as your local sweet shop is forced to sell Mint Metrics.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
When the Grinch learned the true meaning of Christmas, his heart swelled three sizes, a symptom of the pericarditis that killed him on Boxing Day.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This year’s “Now That’s What I Call Music” contains not one song you recognise. Welcome to middle age. Quick tip – it’s fucking awful.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Please note – your horoscope was delivered while you were out and is currently being pissed on by a fox behind your front garden hedge.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your boss always has a hidden agenda, which makes taking minutes in meetings a fucking nightmare.