Most things are viral ads

MOST events, objects and people are actually some sort of viral advertisement, it has emerged.

Speaking at the Viral Ad Awards 2012, industry insiders revealed that ‘real’ life is an elaborate piece of subtle advertising cooked up in a trendy agency called Buddha Digital.

Advertising executive Nathan Muir said: “Your friends and family are all just actors working for me. Why do you think your mum keeps banging on about Dyson vacuum cleaners?

“Most news is a viral too. The royal baby thing is just part of our campaign ‘No tears before bedtime with Pampers’.

“The war in Syria looks real, but it’s actually an off-the-wall advert for Ronseal. If you think President Assad looks familiar, that’s because he’s a jobbing actor who had a bit part in EastEnders.

“Next time you’re on the tube at rush hour, bear in mind most of the passengers are paid to be there as part of a guerilla marketing campaign for Thomson Holidays.

“The only thing that’s real is the advertising industry.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Last night my wife told me our entire marriage was part of an interactive campaign for dishwasher tablets.

“Now she’s gone off to appear in Downton Abbey and I’m left with three fake kids to bring up on my own.”



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Drug lords furious as HSBC withdraws 'Cartel Plus' account

THE withdrawal of HSBC’s Cartel Plus account has left Mexico’s drug lords saddled with inconvenient cash.

AS the bank agreed to pay a £1.2bn fine following a money-laundering probe, it withdrew its popular ‘gang boss-only’ current account.

The Cartel Plus product offered a choice of introductory firearms, health insurance for shoot-out injuries and a free directory of judges’ home addresses.

Gang boss ‘El Guapo’ said: “They’ve closed my Cartel Plus and moved my ill-gotten millions into a standard current account with a piss poor interest rate.

“I’ve looked at Cash ISAs but they’re not really suitable for vast sums of drug money. And there’s nothing on about laundering options.

“All the drug lords are really annoyed about this. I’ve got a massive shipment of narcotics crossing the border at 4.45am so I hope my PIN number still works because I need cash to bribe the guards.”

He added: “I’ve a good mind to visit my local HSBC and give them some grenade-based feedback.”

Consumer affairs expert Tom Logan said: “If you’re opening a crime-based account make sure to check the small print because they can be closed without notice.

“Alternately you could use a private launderer but your money may not be safe if your contact’s decapitated body is found floating in a reservoir.

“However a lot of high street banks will launder cash, if you tell them your nan died and left you a suitcase containing $30 million in unmarked notes.”