Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob


Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, you suggest to the BBC that in the interests of balance the next series of ‘Strictly’ should be presented by Bruce Againstsyth.

bobinsideLeo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
For all the good things he’s done it’s also important to remember Mandela was indirectly responsible for ‘Mandela Day’ by Simple Minds. Swings and roundabouts.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
One of your bank security questions is ‘a memorable date’, the answer to which is ‘that time I shat myself in Zizzi’s’.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You still reminisce about the time you had a one-night stand with one of the members of NWA. Eazy cum, Eazy go.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
In a debate about legalising drugs, your argument supporting the idea revolves around the fact Russell Brand was on the telly a lot less when he was on the smack.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week, why not convince people you’re not a psychopath by not committing a string of sickening, psychotic murders fifty years ago?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you want to remember to say ‘yes’ to ecstasy but not when you’re on shore leave, just use the rhyme “Aye before E except after sea.”

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not make Wimbledon more enjoyable this week by imagining the ball is one of Charles Saatchi’s knackers?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Look, government snooping into people’s internet activities isn’t going to affect anyone unless they’re involved in stuff like terrorism, money-laundering, drug-traffick… – why are you crying?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
It’s important you’re not disturbed over the weekend as you’re close to making a major breakthrough in your research into how many things you can balance on your cat before it pisses off and never comes back.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Nothing like a cold glass of Chablis after a hard day’s work at the office. And by ‘hard day’s work’ I mean ‘sat scratching your arse’ and by ‘the office’ I mean ‘your bedsit’ and by ‘Chablis’ I mean ‘window cleaning fluid’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
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