Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob


Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, you suggest to the BBC that in the interests of balance the next series of ‘Strictly’ should be presented by Bruce Againstsyth.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
For all the good things he’s done it’s also important to remember Mandela was indirectly responsible for ‘Mandela Day’ by Simple Minds. Swings and roundabouts.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
One of your bank security questions is ‘a memorable date’, the answer to which is ‘that time I shat myself in Zizzi’s’.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You still reminisce about the time you had a one-night stand with one of the members of NWA. Eazy cum, Eazy go.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
In a debate about legalising drugs, your argument supporting the idea revolves around the fact Russell Brand was on the telly a lot less when he was on the smack.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week, why not convince people you’re not a psychopath by not committing a string of sickening, psychotic murders fifty years ago?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you want to remember to say ‘yes’ to ecstasy but not when you’re on shore leave, just use the rhyme “Aye before E except after sea.”

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not make Wimbledon more enjoyable this week by imagining the ball is one of Charles Saatchi’s knackers?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Look, government snooping into people’s internet activities isn’t going to affect anyone unless they’re involved in stuff like terrorism, money-laundering, drug-traffick… – why are you crying?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
It’s important you’re not disturbed over the weekend as you’re close to making a major breakthrough in your research into how many things you can balance on your cat before it pisses off and never comes back.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Nothing like a cold glass of Chablis after a hard day’s work at the office. And by ‘hard day’s work’ I mean ‘sat scratching your arse’ and by ‘the office’ I mean ‘your bedsit’ and by ‘Chablis’ I mean ‘window cleaning fluid’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Comments are now closed for this horoscope, not that yours would have been of any value whatsoever.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Australian Labor Party sounds really good

AUSTRALIA’S Labor Party sounds really interesting and fun.

As Kevin Rudd ousted Julia Gillard three years after she ousted him, outside observers said that is exactly what politics should be about, all the time.

Martin Bishop, a newspaper reader from Stevenage, said: “Politicians need to stop devoting so much time to things like government and ideas. They’re incredibly bad it. However, the constant scheming and plotting as they attempt to destroy one another is absolutely brilliant.

“At the moment Australia is like Crimson Tide, the classic submarine mutiny film starring with Gene Hackman and Denzel Washington.

“I want Britain to be like that.”