Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, why not amuse yourself by thinking up lyrics for the four drumbeats in the Crimewatch theme tune. Starting suggestion tittybumfuck.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Tonight you will have the strangest dream, in which people give the slightest hint of a toss when people start describing what happens in their dream.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
No word from Sony Music on your adaptation of Minnie Ripertons biggest hit Loving You (Is Challenging Because Youre Homely).
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your local print shop has made loads of Eastenders stickers for you in the past but when you ask for some Joe Swash ones they kick you out.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You keep finding used needles in the communal stairwell of the block of flats you live in. If you ever find out who’s knitting there you’ll kill them.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your contribution to a dinner party conversation on the Middle East is to ask why its called Bahrain when people in that country seldom make that complaint.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Why not get your blues singer name by combining a medical condition, a fruit and a US president? This week yours is Lupus Mango Nixon.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After buying a scratching post keeps your cat off the furniture, you buy a humping post to keep your boyfriend off your sister.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
To be honest, I dont think your poor broadband speed will be helped by downloading porn featuring women with smaller arses.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Youll get the fairytale wedding you always dreamed of this week when you marry a foot fetishist you lied to on your first date.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Only by facing your fears can you overcome them. Unfortunately your fear is of faces.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
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