Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, why not amuse yourself by thinking up lyrics for the four drumbeats in the Crimewatch theme tune. Starting suggestion – ‘tittybumfuck’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Tonight you will have the strangest dream, in which people give the slightest hint of a toss when people start describing what happens in their dream.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
No word from Sony Music on your adaptation of Minnie Riperton’s biggest hit Loving You (Is Challenging Because You’re Homely).

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your local print shop has made loads of Eastenders stickers for you in the past but when you ask for some Joe Swash ones they kick you out.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You keep finding used needles in the communal stairwell of the block of flats you live in. If you ever find out who’s knitting there you’ll kill them.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your contribution to a dinner party conversation on the Middle East is to ask why it’s called Bahrain when people in that country seldom make that complaint.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Why not get your blues singer name by combining a medical condition, a fruit and a US president? This week yours is Lupus Mango Nixon.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After buying a scratching post keeps your cat off the furniture, you buy a humping post to keep your boyfriend off your sister.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
To be honest, I don’t think your poor broadband speed will be helped by downloading porn featuring women with smaller arses.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’ll get the fairytale wedding you always dreamed of this week when you marry a foot fetishist you lied to on your first date.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Only by facing your fears can you overcome them. Unfortunately your fear is of faces.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
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Prehistoric baby names trend sees 'Trog' and Gor' make a comeback

RETRO baby names from the early 20th century have been exhausted, creating a trend for prehistoric-sounding options like Ung-Gaah.

Fad-conscious parents favour stone age names as they are ‘more retro’ than the previously fashionable wartime names like Stanley and Rose.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “The 40s thing is so played out, and after a lengthy deliberation we decided to call our son ‘Ung-Gaah’.

“We both liked that it’s really different, also the stone age was such a romantic time, things were simpler then and they didn’t have the internet or even basic tools.

“People then were more focused on the important things in life like family, discovering fire and fighting cave bears.”

However Bradford’s neighbour Mary Fisher said: “We actually called our baby Eeegah-gak-gaboo way back in 2009 when most people hadn’t even gone as retro as ‘Spartacus’. And we dressed him in stitched-together rabbit pelts.

“Now if you read the register for his nursery group it sounds like a Cro-Magnon tribe.

“We’re thinking of renaming him something so retro it predates even the most basic verbal communication.

“I’ve borrowed some books about the Mesozoic era. ‘Iguanadon’ might work, you can shorten it to ‘Iggy’.

“Do you think he’d get bullied?”