Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Following The Sun’s decision to put a paywall on their website, you decide to put a padlock on your wheelie bin.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
While arguing about Gibraltar, you contend that we shouldn’t defend them because they allowed John and Yoko to get married and were therefore responsible for Revolution #9.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Friday you buy a box of 60 pyramid teabags, meaning that you have to convince 60 other people to buy a box of teabags, and then they have to…

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After being warned that telling the government to ‘fuck off back to Eton’ is classist, you revert to simply telling them to ‘fuck off’. It’s the ‘fucking off’ part that’s important, after all.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The knowledge that every atom of your body was formed in the heart of an exploding star is made less awe inspiring when you consider that so is every atom in George Osborne’s.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you will be banned from phoning National Rail Enquiries after asking if the trains from Babestation terminate in Bristol Parkway.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not protect your kids from cyber-bullying by not having the internet in the house and only letting them have a Nokia brick phone? They won’t get picked on then.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
George Bush had a heart operation, did he? WHEN THEY COULD FIND IT, RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? I wish it was still 2003.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No, I don’t think a qualified proctologist should be calling it your ‘juicy double’, actually.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This Saturday, why not take a blanket and a book to the park and have a nice relaxing day there? You live at number 47, right? And you’ll be out all day, yes? Good.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As the most creative of the star signs I’m sure you’ll be able to come up with a perfectly plausible reason for having a shed full of life-sized Eamonn Holmes cardboard cutouts next to a massive tub of ghee.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Please take a moment to rate today’s horoscopes as either ‘accurate’, ‘mostly accurate’ or ‘utter bollocks’.

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We don't get any aid, says president of Bongobongoland

BONGOBONGOLAND last night insisted it has never received a penny in international aid.

The country’s president spoke out after UKIP MEP Godfrey Bloom claimed all of Britain’s £11bn aid budget was being sent to the small west African nation.

President Brian Inkatwe said: “We get by on our own. I think it’s because no-one actually believes we exist.

“I have written to the UN on several occasions asking them if they could give us advice on starting a rural banking scheme, but every time they write back and tell me that the phrase ‘Bongobongoland’ is horribly racist and that I should stop wasting their time.

“Some aid would be nice as our economy has suffered since Chinese factories started pumping out cut price bongos.”

Bongobongoland sits between Liberia and the Ivory Coast and was a British colony until 1959. When it was granted independence everyone in Britain assumed the news reports referred to the entire African continent.

President Inkatwe added: “Our neighbours in Liberia receive some aid money and as far as I can tell most of it does actually get spent on making people’s lives  just a tiny bit better. Not as good as yours or Godfrey Bloom’s obviously, but just not horrible all the time.

“No doubt some of it gets siphoned off and spent on fancy sunglasses, but people are shits wherever you go.

“Except Britain of course. Everyone in Britain is just fucking brilliant.”