Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Following The Sun’s decision to put a paywall on their website, you decide to put a padlock on your wheelie bin.

bobinsideVirgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
While arguing about Gibraltar, you contend that we shouldn’t defend them because they allowed John and Yoko to get married and were therefore responsible for Revolution #9.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Friday you buy a box of 60 pyramid teabags, meaning that you have to convince 60 other people to buy a box of teabags, and then they have to…

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After being warned that telling the government to ‘fuck off back to Eton’ is classist, you revert to simply telling them to ‘fuck off’. It’s the ‘fucking off’ part that’s important, after all.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The knowledge that every atom of your body was formed in the heart of an exploding star is made less awe inspiring when you consider that so is every atom in George Osborne’s.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you will be banned from phoning National Rail Enquiries after asking if the trains from Babestation terminate in Bristol Parkway.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not protect your kids from cyber-bullying by not having the internet in the house and only letting them have a Nokia brick phone? They won’t get picked on then.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
George Bush had a heart operation, did he? WHEN THEY COULD FIND IT, RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? I wish it was still 2003.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No, I don’t think a qualified proctologist should be calling it your ‘juicy double’, actually.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This Saturday, why not take a blanket and a book to the park and have a nice relaxing day there? You live at number 47, right? And you’ll be out all day, yes? Good.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As the most creative of the star signs I’m sure you’ll be able to come up with a perfectly plausible reason for having a shed full of life-sized Eamonn Holmes cardboard cutouts next to a massive tub of ghee.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Please take a moment to rate today’s horoscopes as either ‘accurate’, ‘mostly accurate’ or ‘utter bollocks’.