Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you return your sausage dog to the pet shop, because the sausages he makes taste revolting.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week, you will mostly be eating curry and doing pills in South America. Its surreal, like something from Salvador Dhal E.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Why not watch an American bromance film where the lead male character is a raucous free spirit until some woman tries to make him settle down, they both become unhappy and she finally allows him to be a toned-down version of himself? Im sure there must be a film like that.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No, I dont think Limahl is a French shopping precinct, actually.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Youve been arguing about politics on the internet a lot recently. Why not do something slightly more dignified, like fighting in a public lavatory over a floating dog end.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If I was warm, I think the first thing I’d take off would be my beret. She sounds like a wrong ‘un to me, Prince.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Youve spent years studying the least deadly of the martial arts tofu.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Youve always been proud of the fact that no matter what, youre prepared to stand by your principles. Its just a shame theyre so utterly ludicrous.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Time to kick the exercise regime into high gear. So sit up in bed when you eat your multipack of Quavers.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Tsk, you can never find a pen when you need one, can you? Youll just have to find something else to masturbate with.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your heart sinks when you see the policeman walking up your garden path. Because youre married to him and hes a dick.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Like Comment Share Keep Your Fucking Opinion To Yourself