Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you return your sausage dog to the pet shop, because the sausages he makes taste revolting.

bobinsideVirgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week, you will mostly be eating curry and doing pills in South America. It’s surreal, like something from Salvador Dhal E.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Why not watch an American ‘bromance’ film where the lead male character is a raucous free spirit until some woman tries to make him settle down, they both become unhappy and she finally allows him to be a toned-down version of himself? I’m sure there must be a film like that.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No, I don’t think Limahl is a French shopping precinct, actually.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve been arguing about politics on the internet a lot recently. Why not do something slightly more dignified, like fighting in a public lavatory over a floating dog end.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If I was warm, I think the first thing I’d take off would be my beret. She sounds like a wrong ‘un to me, Prince.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ve spent years studying the least deadly of the martial arts – tofu.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve always been proud of the fact that no matter what, you’re prepared to stand by your principles. It’s just a shame they’re so utterly ludicrous.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Time to kick the exercise regime into high gear. So sit up in bed when you eat your multipack of Quavers.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Tsk, you can never find a pen when you need one, can you? You’ll just have to find something else to masturbate with.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your heart sinks when you see the policeman walking up your garden path. Because you’re married to him and he’s a dick.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
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