Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you return your sausage dog to the pet shop, because the sausages he makes taste revolting.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week, you will mostly be eating curry and doing pills in South America. It’s surreal, like something from Salvador Dhal E.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Why not watch an American ‘bromance’ film where the lead male character is a raucous free spirit until some woman tries to make him settle down, they both become unhappy and she finally allows him to be a toned-down version of himself? I’m sure there must be a film like that.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No, I don’t think Limahl is a French shopping precinct, actually.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve been arguing about politics on the internet a lot recently. Why not do something slightly more dignified, like fighting in a public lavatory over a floating dog end.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If I was warm, I think the first thing I’d take off would be my beret. She sounds like a wrong ‘un to me, Prince.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ve spent years studying the least deadly of the martial arts – tofu.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve always been proud of the fact that no matter what, you’re prepared to stand by your principles. It’s just a shame they’re so utterly ludicrous.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Time to kick the exercise regime into high gear. So sit up in bed when you eat your multipack of Quavers.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Tsk, you can never find a pen when you need one, can you? You’ll just have to find something else to masturbate with.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your heart sinks when you see the policeman walking up your garden path. Because you’re married to him and he’s a dick.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
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Near death experience gets contemporary makeover

GOD has updated the ‘near death experience’ for the first time since the 70s.

The deity has retired the tunnel-style visuals, dry ice and unflattering ‘curtain’ robes that the deceased’s ancestors were forced to wear.

God said: “A few people had complained about the robes saying they were a bit ’70s TV movie’. Personally I like robes, I think they’re a design classic, but sometimes you must submit to popular taste.

“In the new near death experience, instead of coming up a tunnel you just flash straight into a minimalist warehouse space with a sexy girl DJ and buff angels offering fresh organic grapes.

“Then your dead relatives appear in 80s Diadora tracksuits, like something in a Daft Punk video.

“They’re going to act normal and not be all like ‘we love you’, which is frankly off-putting. I’ve told everyone to keep the chat light.”

Account manager Julian Cook took on the project after his own disappointing near death experience: “At first I saw pure white light which was absolutely spot on from a design perspective.

“Then the most ghastly vision of an English country cottage appeared, like a bloody Hallmark card without even the ironic urban sampling ethos that makes Cath Kidston such a powerful high-street brand.

“Unfortunately the world beyond is currently dominated by pre-war old folk who like a nice watercolour of a stone bridge, commemorative plates of Royal occasions and doilies under everything.

“But this re-imagining is pretty awesome. You’re really going to want to die.”