Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Having some foliage tattooed on your arse will revive your pop career and also make it easier to hide in gardens.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In Blurred Lines, Robin Thicke asks ‘what rhymes with hug me?’ Might I suggest ‘I deserve to have a knife-wielding crackhead mug me’?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’re still not sure whether you would actually piss on Piers Morgan if he was on fire but there’s only one way to find out.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Based on the evidence of schoolyard rhymes, you were disappointed on your trip to Vegas when the blackjack dealers didn’t smell all the cards first.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
On Monday, a colleague says “Life’s too short, make the most of it”. Like you, he works in a small, windowless office doing a job nobody cares about.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Stealing a glance at a pretty woman on the train is perfectly fine, but stealing her underwear off the washing line after following her home might be going a bit far.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week, why not suggest that people replace the one form of entertainment they can actually afford with a bag of mange tout?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your acoustic guitar really draws a crowd at the party as people queue to watch you being beaten around the head with it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Virgo enters your sign this week, patting his pockets and humming distractedly for a moment, before wandering out again.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
They came for the badgers, but I did not speak up because I am not a badger. I mean, obviously. I’d hope that would go without saying.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Kids always bicker on car journeys but look on the bright side – at least it’s distracting them from the long trip to the orphanage.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
My Computer – Documents – Horoscopes – Some Vague Bollocks About Energies Or Destiny Or Something.

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Football matches ruining magic of transfer market

FOOTBALL fans are furious that matches are diverting attention away from the transfer market.

They want games in the Premier League to be put on hold so they can focus on their true passion, the pure thrills of the player marketplace.

Chelsea fan Donna Sheridan said: “A goal, three points, top of the league, who gives a shit? All I want to know is who’s triggering whose contractual buyout clause.

“How am I expected to pay attention to the game when I know the incredible spectacle of who owns Roberto Soldado’s image rights is being played out behind the scenes?”

Football agents, their paid shills in the media, and players all agree that who’s employing who is more exciting than wasting time kicking a ball.

A leading Chelsea manager, speaking anonymously, said: “The most elegant approach would be to total every club’s wage bill and the money they’ve spent on transfers, and the highest gross wins the title.

“If football wants to be taken seriously, then it needs to take the cameras from the grass to the boardroom.”

Spurs fan Wayne Hayes said: “The last day of August is enthralling – last-minute swoops, botched medicals, helicopters to eleventh-hour signings. Then unfortunately the fun’s over until January 1st.”