Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Having some foliage tattooed on your arse will revive your pop career and also make it easier to hide in gardens.

bobinsideLibra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In Blurred Lines, Robin Thicke asks ‘what rhymes with hug me?’ Might I suggest ‘I deserve to have a knife-wielding crackhead mug me’?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’re still not sure whether you would actually piss on Piers Morgan if he was on fire but there’s only one way to find out.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Based on the evidence of schoolyard rhymes, you were disappointed on your trip to Vegas when the blackjack dealers didn’t smell all the cards first.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
On Monday, a colleague says “Life’s too short, make the most of it”. Like you, he works in a small, windowless office doing a job nobody cares about.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Stealing a glance at a pretty woman on the train is perfectly fine, but stealing her underwear off the washing line after following her home might be going a bit far.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week, why not suggest that people replace the one form of entertainment they can actually afford with a bag of mange tout?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your acoustic guitar really draws a crowd at the party as people queue to watch you being beaten around the head with it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Virgo enters your sign this week, patting his pockets and humming distractedly for a moment, before wandering out again.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
They came for the badgers, but I did not speak up because I am not a badger. I mean, obviously. I’d hope that would go without saying.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Kids always bicker on car journeys but look on the bright side – at least it’s distracting them from the long trip to the orphanage.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
My Computer – Documents – Horoscopes – Some Vague Bollocks About Energies Or Destiny Or Something.