Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
People who describe boring sexual practices as vanilla have clearly never inserted a pod of it into themselves.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Its weird when you look at old photos & realise everyone in them is now dead. Jesus, last Christmas got really out of hand.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them. Do not say this as a prelude to sexual intercourse.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you use fly spray on upholstery and it turns it into purple leopardskin.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
People forget what its like as a kid to find a really good stick and beat a path with it as you walk along. The people on your commuter train do, anyway.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Youve had your laptop for several years and its really starting to slow down, so maybe time to buy a new one. Or remove the 700GB of porn from the old one, whatevers easiest.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You give a shit about what Vinnie Jones thinks about immigration so tell me, whos the bigger idiot?
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
With autumn on its way, game pie, mushroom risotto and pumpkin soup are just some of the things you wont be cooking because you survive on a diet of Sugar Puffs and Kestrel Super.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Has Saturn been stood in his garden all day? Whats he doing out there?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you promise to give your boss 110%. You really are the world’s worst accountant.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
When your doctor asks how many alcohol units you drink per week, by units he doesnt mean kitchen cabinets-full.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Suck it and see. Actually, you might want to see it before you agree to suck it.