Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
People who describe boring sexual practices as ‘vanilla’ have clearly never inserted a pod of it into themselves.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s weird when you look at old photos & realise everyone in them is now dead. Jesus, last Christmas got really out of hand.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them. Do not say this as a prelude to sexual intercourse.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you use fly spray on upholstery and it turns it into purple leopardskin.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
People forget what it’s like as a kid to find a really good stick and beat a path with it as you walk along. The people on your commuter train do, anyway.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ve had your laptop for several years and it’s really starting to slow down, so maybe time to buy a new one. Or remove the 700GB of porn from the old one, whatever’s easiest.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You give a shit about what Vinnie Jones thinks about immigration so tell me, who’s the bigger idiot?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
With autumn on its way, game pie, mushroom risotto and pumpkin soup are just some of the things you won’t be cooking because you survive on a diet of Sugar Puffs and Kestrel Super.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Has Saturn been stood in his garden all day? What’s he doing out there?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you promise to give your boss 110%. You really are the world’s worst accountant.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
When your doctor asks how many alcohol units you drink per week, by ‘units’ he doesn’t mean ‘kitchen cabinets-full’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Suck it and see. Actually, you might want to see it before you agree to suck it.

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London actively trying to kill humans

THE city of London has begun using lethal death-rays to wipe out its human population.

Londoners became aware of the attack by their home city when the ‘Walkie Talkie’ skyscraper began blasting them with killer heat beams.

Nikki Hollis said: “I was queueing for the bus when the person next to me turned to ash.

“Suddenly the deadly death rays were everywhere. When a person got hit you could see their glowing skeleton for a moment before they disintegrated, like in a 50s sci-fi film.

“A big booming voice that seemed to rise up from the ground said, ‘Die, die, die!'”

Tom Logan added: “I suppose psychotic buildings firing lethal beams of pure energy is another thing we’ll have to get used to, like the congestion charge and parking permits.”

Speaking via a mouth-like orifice in the Gherkin, London said: “I shall also be using flying manhole covers to decapitate you. And look out for London Bridge turning into a giant metal snake with sewage-dripping fangs.”