Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re fired as a Hollywood casting agent this week for suggesting the only actor that could play a DNA-manipulating scientist is Gene Hackman.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After inventing a sci-fi / horror crossover on Monday with a vampire robot called Nosferatu D2, you take the rest of the week off.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You haven’t watched a single episode of The Wombles this month. Stoptobermory is going well.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You wished you’d learned to play an instrument as a youngster but did Yehudi Menuhin ever clock Sonic in one sitting?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
‘Too early’ to have a drink has now been pushed back so far that you’ve rigged your teasmade up to mix margaritas.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You made a point of getting up early on Sunday to get two Glastonbury tickets. Now for ten enjoyable months of annoying arseholes by telling them you’ve no intention of using them.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Don’t waste your life waiting for hairy backs to come into fashion.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’ve managed to teeter on the edge of being fired for so longer that your next probationary review has been cancelled to make way for your retirement party.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Instead of using the internet reviews why not try going into the street and ask random strangers what you should spend your money on?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You always tidy the house before going on holiday, because you worry about what burglars might think.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me squint and have really aged my face.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Printed on 100% recycled cosmos.

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Jack Wilshere hailed as role model by kids who smoke

SMOKING kids believe they have finally found a role model in Arsenal midfielder Jack Wilshere.

Underage smokers say Wilshere, who was pictured enjoying a cigarette outside a nightclub, proves they can achieve their dreams.

13-year-old Julian Cook said: “Every day, us kid smokers face prejudice from adults.

“Especially Mr Phillips the PE teacher who is the biggest twat alive.

“I’ve spent the last fortnight in detention after getting caught having a gasper behind the science block.

“But seeing a professional footballer smoking gives me the strength to persist with my habit.

“I don’t need to change – I need to change the world. While smoking.”

Doctor Mary Fisher said: “Ossie Ardiles was on 40-a-day when he won the World Cup with Argentina.

“Also Gazza loved his fags and he’s totally fine.

“A lot of teen smokers are underachieving at school because they feel stigmatised.

“They need more successful smokers to look up to. Imagine what a huge morale boost it would be if Jessica Ennis started blazing 40 Lamberts a day.”