Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Youre fired as a Hollywood casting agent this week for suggesting the only actor that could play a DNA-manipulating scientist is Gene Hackman.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After inventing a sci-fi / horror crossover on Monday with a vampire robot called Nosferatu D2, you take the rest of the week off.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You haven’t watched a single episode of The Wombles this month. Stoptobermory is going well.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You wished youd learned to play an instrument as a youngster but did Yehudi Menuhin ever clock Sonic in one sitting?
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Too early to have a drink has now been pushed back so far that youve rigged your teasmade up to mix margaritas.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You made a point of getting up early on Sunday to get two Glastonbury tickets. Now for ten enjoyable months of annoying arseholes by telling them youve no intention of using them.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Don’t waste your life waiting for hairy backs to come into fashion.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Youve managed to teeter on the edge of being fired for so longer that your next probationary review has been cancelled to make way for your retirement party.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Instead of using the internet reviews why not try going into the street and ask random strangers what you should spend your money on?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You always tidy the house before going on holiday, because you worry about what burglars might think.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me squint and have really aged my face.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Printed on 100% recycled cosmos.